The Messiah struck again in last night’s demolition of Valencia and for the record, David Villa no iniciar el juego. Of course, how can you possibly deny this man (on the pitch, we mean!) Winning 3-0 was largely thanks to his hat-trick but the very charming Senor Valdes also delivered when they needed him most. Buen trabajo, tipos! On a note, Titipo Henry deserves a standing ovation for pulling his shorts like that. Spandex, anyone?!
“During the first half we have been comfortable, but then the circumstances of the side and the merits of our rivals, with Messi captivating the audience, swung the balance in their favour,” said tio Unai Emery.
It was a pretty depressing day for football yesterday, but Gracias a Dios we have the likes of Crackovia to make the Fridays a little better! “It will all tide over, love” is what all abuelas are telling their grandsons and ‘nietas’ today.
Anyway, Senor Pep and Ibracadabra’s Crackovia characters have been featured in a skit depicting the Barca boys on their way to last week’s Almeria game. In a hilarious twist, Ibracadabra has inexplicably lost his mind mid-flight and tied up Samuel Eto’o while threatening to do the same to other passengers! Ibra the actor looks drunk, but it works!
In another skit, check out ‘a day in the life of Xavi Hernandez’ aka the Spinning Man. Ah, that one you’re sure to love.
So we all know that Senor Joan Laporta is standing for Barca elections again this year. And here he is looking like a St. Regis butler and kissing the Queen of Jordan’s hands. Isn’t she just gawwwwjus! Anyway, Polonia (a part of the Catalan comedy sketch show Crackovia) decided to spoof his presidential web video – this time with that horrid Chicken Little jingle.
And yes, you know you want to watch it… even all you overzealous Real Madrid fanaticos! Don’t disappoint us now…. Sergio Canales probably loved it too.
It’s the Messiah and Ibracadabra! Oh dear, how we’ve missed thee. Anyway, our friends can’t stop yelling Bobojan’s names into our ears so we just had to put this up. This and the fact that Senor Pep was recently inducted an ambassador for Qatar’s 2022 World Cup bid. Yes, even the cat sitting outside thinks it’s all pretty random, but Pep actually played for Al Ahli for two years so that explains it all!
Of course, the Messiah believes they will beat FC Stuttgart in the Champs League tonight despite the fact that “German sides are always strong.” Pique the Pout however, is giving you the benefit of the doubt….
via Gettyimages & AP
So it looks like Rojiblancos have done Potter Perez and friends a favour by handing Barca their first defeat of the season. No no estés triste… there’s nothing to panic about yet, Los Cules, because no one expected you to be invincible. 22 wins without losing is still magnífico! Anyway, the Madridistas are thrilled because Jersey Shore reject Simão and Diego Forlan’s vampire eyes scored two goals to send Pep and co’ on the first trip out of Vicente Calderon. Looking at the last photo below, Simao remembered not to look into the Messiah’s eyes and successfully contained him in their 2-1 win.
A great moral boost for Atletico… they’ve been mulling on this for the longest time. Time to thrill the fans, tipos!
via Reuters
Step away Laporta … you don’t want to be anywhere near Sepp Blatter, the ignorant velho! Yet again, he’s gone out to say some insensitive merda about John Terry’s cheating scandal… at an IOC gathering. There’s been a huge outcry from futbolitas all over the world after he made an rather unnecessary reference to Latinos. Classy!
“Listen, this is a special approach in the Anglo-Saxon countries,” he Swiss told reporters in Vancouver. “If this (cheating) had happened in let’s say Latin countries then I think John Terry would have been applauded.”
First, no one in their right minds would ever applaud a cheating scandal – not even Botox Berlusconi, if he wanted to make a reference to extreme cases. Secondly, did the press in Argentina celebrate after what Kun, The Dona and even Carlos Tevez supposedly did to their own partners? NO!
Whenever Star Wars comes on and they cut to the Yoda/Swamp setting, you immediately picture SEPP because that’s his real scene right THERE. He should not be addressing football’s biggest issues at all. And at at least the Jedi masters listened to Yoda. If they had a swamp near his office, only Jabba the Hut would bother to pay SEPP a visit once a decade.
It’s time to check in on Deportivo’s Filipe Luis who is suffering from a fracture in his right leg. He was recently discharged from the hospital and almost everyone – especially Pepe - sent flying kisses and wishes. Que doce! “Unfortunately, I could not fight for a place in the seleção, but the Brazilian team is in my heart and I certainly have hope for the group. When I was there (at bootcamp), I was always treated very well and those and were great moments of my life. I have many friends in the seleção and will be here rooting for everyone,” he said.
Cue the Forrest Gump music now… those are pretty sad words, my friend. Also, Filipe bears an uncanny resemblance to Maxi Lopez but there’s no sign of a blooming Argie-Brazilian Bromance yet because The Dona would be crossed.
Just pretend that you can spot Geri The Pout Piqué from here because the man is standing at attention! Even Puyolita couldn’t be arsed to pose for the group photo…he was too happy smiling away. Anyway, Barca played a friendly against a lower-tier side, Reus Deportiu over the week in aid of the Haiti earthquake victims. You can’t go wrong with something like this. Such a warmhearted gesture from Los Cules!!
Mama Palermo!! Are our eyes playing tricks again… why does Argentina’s away kit look so much like Japan’s? But well, to be honest these electric blue tones are a lot more feroshaaaaa then the light-blue of their home kit. It brings out the colour of their hair, no? And Veron, this does not apply to you. Sin embargo, te ves mejor calvo…. Speaking of which, Martin Palermo really did score against Jamaica in a friendly last night while Ignacio Canuto netted in the other. Yes, yes, competition is heating up.
Look, it’s Sevilla’s Renato Dirnei (who last won the Confederations Cup with Brazil in 2005!) celebrating Sevilla’s entry into the King’s Cup final. Well, they lost to Getafe 0-1 but no matter… they’re all going to meet the Spanish King!! You know Fabulouso’s preparing his speech RIGHT NOW. “Sua Alteza, o rei…” (Your highness..). Sevilla’s opponents will be the winners of the Atletico-Racing clash tonight.
Members of an Italian mafia group have been arrested after police uncovered their plans to abduct none other than Senhor Mourinho! What were they thinking? He’d win them all over in quindici minuti! “Giovanni, I like your spirit but you are not listening to me no? I asked you to shave off your beard on Thursday. I don’t like these things. To become European Champion, you must do it or we don’t talk about it,” he’d say while making the table in a spare Lazio shirt.
Anyway, the authorities found strong traces of wiretapping, photos and the coach’s home address in one of the mafia’s homes in Genoa. Gattuso was cleared of all charges, however, after being found cutting his fish in his restaurant while listening to Andrea Bocelli.
So all eyes will be on Dopey today as he prepares to announce the seleção that’ll face Ireland next month. Everyone’s wondering about The Dinho but unless he stops himself from hitting all of Milan’s hot spots with Boriello and starts showing some discipline, there’s no chance for a return. Dopey is all about discipline and consistency so never cross the line or he’ll scream “vá embora!” and that’s the end of you.
And as for the list of strikers, El Pato has been nursing an injury for 24,241 years so he might not make it. Nilmar has been average (at best) for Villarreal so he might be left out. Fabulousoooo and Robinho will probably get the green light since boot camp ain’t the same without them.
Pep’s legacy, Crackovia style – what else do you need to know about it?!
Last but not least, Ricardo over here would like to tell all his fan girls not to worry about his sports hernia problem. Instead, they should finish all their homework and eat on time. Who are we kidding? The best FanGirl breed still belongs to the Kakazetes!
“I feel good. The sports hernia does not bother me any more. It has disappeared, but I still need to do specific recovery work like any injured player does. Last week it was rumored that it is a chronic problem which isn’t true. It isn’t just in Spain where there has been talk about me not being able to return to my old form. It also happened in Brazil and Italy, but it simply isn’t true.”
What a dramatic turn of events for Alvaro Negredo! Stellar performances from the past two weeks and a Sunday Señor title (don’t you know you get a tub of Ben & Jerry’s for that?!) wasn’t enough to tide Alvaro over for another week. Tipo scored an own goal and got himself sent off last night in Sevilla’s 2-1 loss to Zaragoza. Se destacó, hombre?
Elsewhere, Geri The Pout Piqué also got himself sent off within 24 minutes of Barca’s encounter against Getafe. Immediately, all the Catalan dance clubs extended their operating hours to 7AM and changed their music genres from House to Rock. Because you know… there’s no party unless DJ Pique turns up!
Anyway, even with nine men down, Barca obviously emerged unscathed and won the game thanks to goals from The Messiah and Xavi. They then proceeded to the club and were approached like this…. (ok, ok we’re really kidding here).
Anyway here are some of our favorite photos from the La Liga weekend. Madrid’s The Pied Piper of Higuain looks to be in fine shape (in every possible way, yes yes) for the World Cup! The Dona better draft him into his Argentinean squad pronto and quit trying to figure out what the fuss about the Superbowl is about.
Keirrison is swapping teams like he’s Beyoncé at the Grammys! From Barcelona to Benfica… and now, taking advantage of the Mutu kerfuffle, he’s PUTTING A RING ON IT with Fiorentina. We suspect his agent once auditioned to be on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” but Regis Philbin aptly said “No” in a deep voice.
Anyway, they asked K9 – or K39 in this case – whether he wanted to emulate Fiorentina’s Edmundo who went home to Brazil for Carnaval in 1999. It also cost him his job as he was asked to leave the club for failing to seek consent. “To me, Carnaval is only on television,” joked Keirrison. Kekekeke, que é uma piada de mau gosto!
Querido Dios… Fernando Gago is simply GAWJUS but too bad he plays like merda! And now even Man City have failed to sign him. The deal only fell through because of the ‘lack of time’ during the transfer window. Shit, Gago can sign for our team anytime he fancies but we can’t afford to pay him 18 million. All he has to do is to sit there, comb his hair and the gate receipts alone will take care of ITSELF!
In general, listening to ArrrrghKon can be quite an experience. Many generally compare the experience to Microwave Throwing (trust us, he once performed right opposite our balcony. To put it kindly, it was hell on Earth) but he’s singing the World Cup theme so you know that at some point, you’re going to be downloading this into your pods and nods! The song is mediocre but the face paint is amazing – so enjoy that instead.
via VEVO, Fiorentina
Senor Pep attended a concert to celebrate his birthday with his family on Monday, and there was no diva-like behaviour or anything of that sort! Instead, the ever humble coach enjoyed Manel’s concert in the presence of 2,100 fans. In case you were wondering, they are a pretty cool acoustic band from Barcelona.
As expected, the members of Manel singled Pep out in the audience and said : “Happy Birthday, Guardiola. How nice of you to celebrate it here!” and the coach raised his arms to thank them. But that wasn’t all. They went on to say : “We only want one thing, that Guardiola renews his contract. Visca el Barça!” Watch the whole performance below – it must feel damn good to have a whole auditorium cheering for ya! Senor Pep deserves it.
It looks like zio Ranieri is getting himself all worked up – or rather, excited – over the possibility of the ToniTotti pairing for Roma this weekend against Genova. He even compared the spectacle to Drogba’s favourite film, Avatar! Ok, we made that last bit up about your beloved Diving genius, but whatever you say, Tsu’tey the clan leader is still his twin.
“There are more expectations to see Totti-Toni than (the opening of) ‘Avatar’ itself” said Ranieri. By the way, the film opens to the Italian public on Friday and you know Marcello Lippi already bought his 3-D glasses in hopes of seeing the tribe’s princess in all her blueness. “Let’s hope that the captain recovers (from tendinitis). When he is fit, will talk about how he can play for Roma,” added Ranieri.
One of Argentina’s starlets, Eduardo “Toto” Salvio is set to become an Atletico Madrid player… and yes, he’s touted to be Kun Aguero’s replacement (so that he can finally make that dream move to wherever he wants). Los colchoneros fans must be thrilled!
It cost 8 million to bring Toto to the club (caro, tal vez?) because his former club, Lanús charged EUR 6.8 million and the Argentine Football Association paid an additional 1.2 million euros. The rest will be paid in installments and the player arrives in Madrid on Friday. Toto is probably frantically packing away now, knowing that neither Forlan nor Kun will not be sharing their toothpaste tubes with him!
The Barca Elections are back and while the club’s vice-president, Jaume Ferrer, has declared that he wants to run for position of president this year, Joan Laporta feels “hurt to learn this from the media” instead of from Ferrer directly. “Of course we not limit the choices of anyone to be president and we have already discussed this,” Laporta said.
One interesting addition to the Barca elections if the grand-daughter of the club’s founder itself, Emma Gamper. She will be backing candidate Jaume Guixà, who is also running for presidency. “ Is a great thrill for any (of us) to have the legacy of Joan Gamper in their ranks and I have this privilege,” said Guixa.
As always… here’s a spoof from the Crackovia folks about Sandro Rosell - the club’s former director, who is also running for president. Genial!
Ah Señor Pep, there’s no need to start worrying! It’s only January – no one’s in the mood to start work yet, everyone’s still eating chocolates under the sheets and throwing snow balls at one another. So it’s time to chill and learn from your two amigos in Italy, Mourinho and Leoooonardo. Together, the three of them make up the Poised Posse and that club is strictly off limits to you, Uncle Fester Galliani!
Anyway, all you have to do is to believe Sergi Busquets, who says that Barca should “isolate” all their criticism, following their two losses in the La Liga and Copa del Ray. He’s probably right – they’ve won six trophies and even the chocolates that Laporta ordered from Belgium have yet to arrive!
“We’ve only been two games without a win. But we’re in three competitions, with only the Copa del Rey (being tricky) and you can not ask for more. We must be patient and be united, because at this stage of the season, nothing is decided. I am convinced that the results will come soon.”
Don’t you hate it when everything ends in a stalemate? Maçante! Where’s the spirit, Madrid? Tipos ought to rewrite their new-year resolutions as soon as possible, and remove the part about getting new car windshields. Pellegrini, victories are the ones that count so stop spending Perez’s credit on nail polish, vale?!
Anyway, in case you think we’re talking in circles, Madrid drew 0-0 with Osasuna last night. Barca themselves gave them a chance to take the lead after their 1-1 draw against Villarreal on Saturday. Apparently, the club’s CEO is pissed that Nilmar wasn’t awarded a penalty after being fouled by Goldilocks Puyol. Shit, he’s right! For Nilmar, the referee should’ve brought out the candy floss machine. How dare they mistreat Nilmaaaar!
In other news, Ibracadabra’s love, Helena Seger made her presence known at Barca’s game. Don’t you think she can be Sylvie van der Vaart’s twin? You can totally imagine their conversations…. Helena : “Oh älskling, did you see the new Vuitton? Splendid, yes?” Sylvie : “Um, ja? Rafael is totally on the VIP-lijst. We get de zakken from Marc Jacobs himself!”
via AFP, AP
Ola Futbolitas! Many of you may not know this (and a few amici still tease us about it) but last December, we interviewed Greaseano himself aka Cristiano Ronaldo via phone from Japan). And yes, he was nice and sent us his autographed book – so we’ve been pretty mean calling him names. Anyway, we didn’t get to speak to this year’s Jugador del Ano (Player of the Year) on the phone because of his tight schedule. Still, that didn’t stop us from getting Leo Messi!
Yes, The Messiah exclusively answered our questions on Monday – mid-flight to Zurich to collect his FIFA Award. It was a loco week for Barca, but thanks to our dear amigos, Messi dished out a series of interesting answers for our newspaper, on his good friends, family, the awards (of course) and winning the World Cup with Argentina! We’ve included a few of Messi’s relevant quotes below from the main interview so read on … and Happy Boxing Day to you!
ON HIS EMOTIONS
“I am happy. For many reasons, this year was my best year. Fortunately, I did not have many injuries and continued to play at a good level. Since I arrived (at) Barça, I have been very involved with the team. In football, teamwork and goals is what I love most.”
ON FAMILY AND HIS GIRLFRIEND, ANTONELLA
“For me, it is very important that I have my family’s support. I know that I am privileged (now) so the best thing is to enjoy what I have and to be the same person as always. I am happy that my family is more settled now.”
“Yes, I’ve seen (Antonella) grow up and she knows me very well. Our families are good friends, so I had no doubts about her. I’ve grown as a person and as a footballer and it is clear (she) supports that.
ON HIS BEST FRIENDS
“As I said before about (Eric) Abidal, he’s one of my good friends in the team and he always jokes around. Gabriel Milito is like a brother to me and he’s a great person. He’s very strong and we’re happy to have him back (from injury).? At Barcelona, I am close to everyone. Gerard Pique is also a ‘buen amigo’ (good friend) and I can always laugh with (Brazilian defender) Dani Alves as he’s a very outgoing person.”
ON THE LA LIGA
“The La Liga is even stronger this season, and for sure, it will continue to get better with more big signings. But I think that the quality of the league is also improving. So I believe that in the next few years, Spanish football will be more popular and I hope more people (around the world) will watch it.”
ON HIS ADVICE FOR ALL OF US!!!
“Always have a positive attitude, and dreams can come true with hard work and effort. With hard work, anything is possible. I can assure you that you can dream and that dream can be achieved.”
ON THE WORLD CUP
“I also want to win the World Cup in 2010, a title that the Argentinean people have been waiting for a long time. Lastly, I dream of another treble first because winning six trophies again is very difficult.”
You could argue that the World Club Cup stage belonged to the Messiah after that fitting extra-time goal last night, but futbolitas, without that moment of brilliance from Pedro, Barca could’ve well handed victory on a plate to Estudiantes. If anyone deserves to be lauded for showcasing Barca’s ability to turn a game around, it’s Senor Rodríguez. He anticipated that ball superbly – and that amount of initiative can only be described as IMPRESIONANTE! Deberíamos enviar a nuestros hijos a La Masia (haah!)
By the way, Pedro is the only player in history to score in six different club competitions during a single season. He has now scored in the La Liga, Copa del Rey, UEFA Champions League, European Super Cup, Spanish Super Cup and the FIFA Club World Cup. What else can you say but ¡bien hecho!
Who drew the pots at the Champions League draw last night? I mean… it can’t be Santa Sepp, now can it? Whatever the case…. the gifts they’ve bestowed upon us all are amazing! United vs Milan, Chelski vs Inter (all the action will be in the press conference room!) and Arsenal v Porto. Meanwhile, Real Madrid will take on Lyon while Barca face Stuttgart.
Nevertheless, everyone knows that the only team who is under immense pressure to WORK IT this season is Real. They have everything to lose, especially since the grand finale will be held at the Bernabeu. In other news, Mickey Mouse Beckham is thrilled to face United when he fulfills the rest of his odd contract with Milan next month – and so are his former employees. “He was a terrific servant for the club and we all hope he will be playing,” said a United spokesman. Uh-uh, seriously… we just want the Da Silva bros to sing on floats during half time OK? Porque é que tão difícil?!
Also futbolitas, please take a break from decorating your Christmas trees for a while and watch this….
Geri The Pout Piqué …. Quieres ser Sleeping Beauty?! This just shows how tired everyone at the Barca camp is and although we think the World Club Championship can be quite unnecessary at times, they’re all paid millions so they’d better work it!
Anyway, here we have the bevy of Barca beauties for you as they enjoy some “me time” on the plane. Xavi looks delighted to be sitting next to a wide-screen while Puyolita is feeling right at home with his black socks. How dare you judge! Meanwhile, the moment he lands, the Messiah is whisked away to the beaches of Abu Dhabi. Also, let’s not forget Ibracadabra and his fan… thumbs up, anyone?
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