One upon a time, before the grease, step overs and the Jersey Shore Makeover, Greaseaño was a shy young lad. “Este menino tem potencial,” said a deep voice in his head while he was filing his nails in Madeira. Alas, today that young boy has turned into an exquisite creature – one who quickly morphed into a tipo legal in our books after a nice 1am phone conversation. There’s no point being in denial, futbolitas. You will discover it someday too. Also, in our opinion, Greaseano remains one of the most professional “jugadores” to date. So today, quickly pick up all the spray tan cans you can find and sing: “Feliz Cumpleañossssss!!!”
“Quien es mas guapo…. quien tiene mas sex appeal? Cristiano, tu Cristiano! Pim Pam Pim Pam…”
Ya’ll have to admit that Bruno Oro does a pretty awesome Greaseaño Portuglish accent in Crackòvia! (thanks Elliot) It’s almost impossible not to laugh. If the Madrid boys are watching (not quite possible since this is shown on Catalan TV.. but there’s the interwebzzzz!!) they’d probably be cringing like pájaros locos. Well, especially Kaka.
Anyway, in this episode, Guti, Sergio Ramos, Potter Perez and Greasey wonder about the ’secrets’ behind forming a team that is capable of destruction i.e. spreading a ‘riot’ to the rest of the world. Guti’s fur jacket has a life of its own!!
After weeks of rally and support, it has now emerged that River Plate’s promising midfielder, Diego Buonanotte may be discharged from the hospital in two days following his horrifying car accident which claimed the lives of his three friends.
“He’s a very peaceful guy, he’s not a “night-man” and he was not drunk. It was a tragedy, his friends died and nobody expected that. He was so sad and I couldn’t believe it. I hopes he can get over this and find peace in his life,” says a River Plate futbolita, Sabrina, 18 from Buenos Aires.
“Everything went as planned for the operation. Now, we can only wait for his recovery,” said Pedro Hansen, River’s medical chief. As they say in Argentina, Fuerza Diego!
Meanwhile, Greaseano has hit back at Osasuna fans who yelled vulgarities at him at Real’s last game, including the evergreen “hijo puta es” and “Cristiano muérete!” It’s rare to want to be on his side, but this time, we must say that he gets the last laugh.
“Being made unwelcome (during matches) is normal to me. I’ve been there many times in England and ended up being voted the best player in the world.” Ouch!
Look who scored in Milan’s 5-2 thrashing of Genoa last night? The Italian Stallion, himself, Boriello…. and (brace yourselves), Huntelaar! All we can say is they both did a good job of covering for Pato while he was out spreading garlic butter with Sthef. As for Huntelaar, scoring via penalty doesn’t constitute much, but it’s still a goal and unless you do something else, no one is going to be very impressed. At least he did better than The Dinho, who failed to convert a spot-kick… but listen, Thiago Silva scored too OK?
Il Davide featured in the game too (of course) and Leonardo said he “trained in all positions” due to the unexpected injuries prior to the game. So how do things look for Juventus this weekend, then, uomini?
Desculpe, but it’s our third Greaseano Saturday in a row and unfortunately, his persistent ankle injury means that he’ll not ferociously parading around the field in the Derby Madrileno tomorrow. Yes, we hear the dejected howls all the way from the Moon, but they’re doing all they can for him in the trance land of Amsterdam, so ya’ll better APPRECIATE. Here he is with one of his 10024 assistants (now now, it’s not Rafaella Fico’s aunt) watching his favourite Sade music video.
“I don’t believe I will watch the World Cup on TV. I will be in South Africa because we will qualify. We’ve improved since the qualifiers, but it’s not easy. “I don’t play in all positions, so the bad form is not because I am not there. It is impossible to have a team at the top all the time; every team has its bad moments.”
Our eyes!! Sálvanos! Our friends here want you to pay attention to the Crease on the Grease in this picture …. can you see it? Many of you chicas may be wondering why we had to put you through the pain of Greaseano Watching two weekends in a row. Yes, it’s sad but he makes it so easy for us, sometimes. In a span of a few days, we’ve established that 1) he can’t sing, 2) cries for love 3) enjoys getting his feet massaged 4) is loved by Peruvian witch doctors and 5) can’t wear his shorts properly. Amazing!
Anyway, tipo over here is posing in what appears to be his Castrol Ranking spot. He looks amazingly annoyed to be in third place, and although Titipo Henry and The Messiah both preceded him in by coming in first and second respectively, Kaka ended up in 85th place. That’s absurd! One more thing – Milan’s Christian Abbiati was hailed as the “best performing goalkeeper of the last 12 months”. For someone who conceded 27 goals in 28 appearances, that does not make sense. Dammi il pane… now.
So Your Lady of perpetual Grease is enjoying a feet massage and earning £16000 a minute, just by just sitting there and being a Douche. Ok, não se zangue, he’s just recuperating and according to los blancos, he’s focused on “getting rid of (his) bone edema (injury) by lymph drainage, a process used to alleviate the damaged zone.”
“My ankle no longer hurts, I think I am ready to play,” he declared. Also, he wants to play the return leg of the Milan-Madrid game at the San Siro on November 3. Oh yes, they do need him now, do they?
In addition, Greaseano has been doing contrasting exercises in cold and warm water in the pool and has been at the gym toning his muscles. Meanwhile, his Amor Mio Raffaella Fico is nowhere to be seen (that’s not her fo’sho). And if you haven’t seen the edited version of his musical masterpiece yet, watch it below. Our housemates are throwing frisbees on the door for having it on loudspeaker. Ayuda!!!!
Move along now pessoas, there’s nothing dodgy about Messiah’s Barcelona contract. So stop flashing him mean, accusatory looks!
Apparently, FIFPro weren’t too happy about Senor Laporta and his bow-tie wearing ways. They’re questioning the validity of the contract, which binds tipo here to the club till 2015. Are you kidding? We’ll be 92 years old by then.
“The renewal contract (Messi) was held in full compliance with state labor law and in accordance with Article 18.2 of the Regulation on the Status and Transfer of Players from FIFA, which allows employment contracts longer than five years where, as in this case, the local law permits,” said the club.
Barca folks have also stressed that the contract “strictly respects the law and, more specifically, the provisions applicable arising in relation to duration of contract and unilateral termination clause.”
And with that, we invite the world’s best vocalist, Greaseano Gaga, to sing for ya…
Well, it looks like Greaseano was badly missed in Madrid’s first 2-1 defeat of the season to Sevilla. We like it that they’re finally losing because Potter Perez needs to know that he cannot assemble a perfect squad with his moneda. Still, you know he’s at the golf course with Jorge Valdano now, enjoying a club sandwich on a lovely summer day!
Anyway, Jesus Navas and Renato both scored for Sevilla and Fabulousoooo is muito feliz. “We played really well and are on a roll at the moment,” he enthused. “If we continue playing like that we can compete with Real and Barca at the top.” Meanwhile, Madrid committed mistakes in their set pieces and were paid to pay for it in the 66th minute. Kaka acknowledged the loss and said, “We knew we would lose at some stage. We were beaten by a good team and we need to improve some things.”
Well, ya’ll know that Sevilla should not be messed with and it’ll be nice to see them emerge as La Liga’s surprise package this season. They’ve been underperforming in the last few seasons and perhaps, all this could change... correcta?
Please forgive Ibracadabra. It’s way too early for training and Helena didn’t make waffles. So he thinks he might have spotted a slice of toast from a distance but he’d best ignore it for it could be a trap by the same witch doctor hired to put a nasty spell on Greaseano.
Anyway, Pep thinks Iniesta needs a continuity of sorts, after being out of action for a long time. He may not be “one hundred percent” but it’s better to put him out there than bench him.
“We know (Iniesta) is beloved player of great versatility. He is improving and little by little, we will use him more,” he said, prior to tonight’s Champs’ League game against Dynamo Kiev. “He’s in good spirits and we cannot allow further injury to his leg,” he added.
Hardly a flattering pose from Benzema BonBon, The Children’s Party Entertainer, but the Madrid-Xerez match up yesterday was full of it! Los Blancos pulled off a 5-0 win thanks to other goals from van Nistelrooy, Greaseano, Guti. It wasn’t a “five star” performance but Kaka’s hair needs to visit the salon ahora por favor.
Said Granero : “Cristiano Ronaldo is proving that he is a decisive player in every respect. We didn’t play our best, but we proved how strong we are. The substitutes are also contributing, which is very important. We tried to play too directly at times, but the fans would rather see us be patient. They are right. They must also have fun. That is why they come.”
Meanwhile, it has been revealed that Potter Perez and his fan club have amassed a debt of £296m. In true Madrid style, the assembly then approved a new record budget of £381m (€422m) for the current season. Marvelous… are they all on mushrooms?
“We’re going through a delicate moment with the world financial crisis, but we had to make a big effort for the new arrivals of players, which explains the debt,” said Potter Perez.
Even Kun Aguero can’t help but look up – terrified – at Greaseano’s facial expression in that photo. Cara’s using up every possible facial muscle and it’s a look that Nereida has not seen so ya’ll better just sit down and enjoy FutbolWood’s new Muscle Hulk!
Anyway, Los Blancos started their European campaign yesterday with a 5-2 victory over FC Zurich. Ronaldo opened the scoring with a 27th-minute free-kick and added in another two minutes before the final whistle. Raúl, the Pied Piper of Higuaín and Guti netted in the other three goals. “The most important thing was to win the first game and start well in Europe, and we have achieved this. The team worked very well and I am happy with the result,” Ronaldo said to AS.
Yeah, they’d better deliver or else…
Here’s Greaseano’s new ad for Castrol, where he speaks lovely Portuglish and tells us that he’d much rather sit in the car and enjoy that lifetime supply of petrol as hair moisturizer. On another note, they’d better not show this ad on TV anytime soon. “Hot places…. cold places….” Who wrote the script? Claudio Ranieri?
We can’t figure how this slipped our preying eyes … but better late than never, so here ya go! It’s a video of Greaseano and Kaka going head to head on Spanish TV so if you’re rolling your eyes already, please do yourself a favour and turn off “denial mode” for five minutes at least! Also the La Liga kicks off this weekend – and everyone at our camp is feverish with excitement so let’s all get in the mood, chicaaaaas!
via GETTYIMAGES
Ok chicas, this story cracked us up and the randomness of it all is mind-blowing! Yes, it appears that Greaseano has moved out of his luxurious Cheshire mansion and left Futbolito Fabio a gift.
“He left a refrigerator at his house and mine was broken, so I got his. A VIP refrigerator,” Fabio laughed. “We have not spoken much. Now he’s coming to charge me (for the fridge).”
When asked if Greaseano made him pay cash for the fridge, Fabio laughed again and said : “His Portuguese hand closed the fridge. But seriously, I’m rooting for him too. Sure, he’ll do well at Real Madrid. He is a player who works hard and always seeks to improve more and more.”
Anyway, of course he had to speak about his gemelo Rafael…
“He is recovering from an injury in the right shoulder. The curious part is that I had the same injury which left me out of the squad for a long time. We’re twins (even in injury)” he joked.
Tipo is hilarious and we must say it again…. Seu cabelo e muito legal!
via Elisa Estrada for Real Madrid CF
Wedgiellas (who picks and chooses the questions he’d like to answer) has declared that Samuel Eto’o is officially the stuff of nightmares for goalkeepers like himself.
“Frankly, I am glad that Eto’o has gone to Inter Milan (because) he was a nightmare for goalkeepers in Spain,” said Madrid’s #1 goalie.
And yet another indication of Greaseano’s new clique of bitches (note that they’re just an extension of Raul’s idolising group), Wedgie has declared that he approves of the Portuguese. “He is very professional – just look at his physical form. He’s been training very well since his first day with us.”
On a sidenote, we think that Iker’s performances have hinged on dismal as of late and La Furia Roja need to call up Victor Valdes ahora!!!
By Miguel Riopa/AFP
All this photo needs is Goldilocks Puyol and the woods will be magically transformed! Greaseano’s pout is not helping the cause though, so we suggest he’d best get with the plan in Ireland, where Real Madrid’s pre-season training is taking place. According to Pellegrini, he’s been showing commitment as of late. “He is the first to arrive at a training session; he has fully integrated into the team and he doesn’t act like a star,” declared the Chilean.
Also, someone please tell Karim Benzzzzzema that lifting weights is not a sight to behold. Kaka who looks to be on a perpetual holiday break (with about 900 more weddings to attend in Brazil) was MIA, but you can expect photos of him and Greaseano stretching pretty soon – stuff that defines the art of Ferosha Fangirlism.
Amusingly though, after the training, several dozen local fans pleaded for Ronaldo to stop “walking and sign autographs” as camera crews walked through puddles to keep up. “I must go to training,” he said “Maybe you wait for me after.” He will also give you the eye if you have jet black hair and silicone boobs, so be prepared!
Also, Aofie Finneran from The Belfast Telegraph met the Madrid players yesterday. You can read her encounter here!
Greaseano : “Uh, you know, like, when we were, like, checking the luggage, like, Karim totally checked my biceps out. Lyk zooomg ~ right.”
Pepe : “He was? The fuck?”
Ok, question : What’s with the twin polos?
By Alejandro Gonzalez for Real Madrid CF
Another one of those stadium stag parties hosted by Fluorescent Bulb Perez took place yesterday to welcome the Douchey Babe to Madrid! Indeed, Greaseano received a “roaring welcome” from 80,000 Madridistas, and we believe he hooked up with at least 9 of them after it was all over.
“I am very happy to be here,” he declared to the fans. “For me it is the realization of a childhood dream, which was to play for Real Madrid. I never expected the stadium would be full just to see me. It is impressive.”
Well, it is pretty true – he’s always wanted to play for Madrid and it was clear he got quite emotional before making his speech last night. ” Potter Perez declared that Greaseano was an individual with “professionalism and talent capable of taking the club to the peak of world football.” Ok, we’ll see…
Photo Credits : AFP
By Alejandro Gonzalez for Real Madrid CF
Dear God, what is happening in this photo? Can BodyHeat Tanning Salon please claim their oversexed customer agora before he becomes a crisp chicken?! We need Greaseano to be on the Hot Chicks With DoucheBags website immediately and this photo will be the front runner. He’ll win it all… and take over the world!
Anyway, Greaseano has passed his Real Madrid medical and will be unveiled officially in a few hours. Fans are already waiting outside the Bernabeu holding up posters and painting their faces as we type. We’ll update tomorrow when he actually puts on the shirt and screams “Hala Moneda“. Yeah, yeah stop reminding us that we’re supposed to be RM fans.
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