Fútbolita

Fabio and his Foreignchester Friends are in Doha now for a training camp (What? In the bloody middle of the week?! you scream) and the answer is yes. Toño Valencia looks quite confused in that lift – and this reminds us of a conversation we had with a futbolita from Ecuador a few weeks ago. “Él es un futbolista muy bueno. Estamos orgullosos de él,” she said. It also takes us back to one of our football encounters, where we met Patrice Evra in the lift, said that we were journalists (true) from Bolivia (false) and he believed us. “¿Hablas español?” he said. Ummm, bien sûr!

Anyway, Forbes have revised their annual list of the Richest Sports Bodies in the World again – and even Potter Perez lost out on this one! Los Diablos Rojos (Red Devils) are at the top with assets valued at £3.22 billion. The Madrilenos only made it to fifth place at £2.33 billion. Surprisingly, Arsenal are one spot below at £2.07 billion.

And if you’re from the UK and watch a certain show call Misfits, don’t you think that the lead character below looks like a hybrid of Fabio Curly da Silva and Brazil TV host, Felipe Andreoli?

via Reuters and Robert Sheehan Online

You know Potter Perez had plans to marry his daughters off to these three jugadores but they all politely declined! Ok, maybe not. Raul already blacked out when he saw Mamen serving cocktail back in 1999 so there was no way he was going to marry El Presidente’s daughter (kkk, except Salgado). Plus, no one is holier than Senorita Celico – no matter how hard you try, and Kaka already made up his mind. So that leaves us with Greaseano and in the spirit of Christmas, we will refrain ourselves….

Anyway, here they are toasting to a great new year in front of that sparkling Christmas tree! “We have one more (kid) this year,” said Raul. “We will enjoy the time to relax in everybody’s company and to eat and laugh a lot. I will also take advantage of the time we all have off to spend every minute with my kids.” Added Greaseano : “I will celebrate Christmas with the whole family. It is a very special time that I thoroughly enjoy because I am unable to be with my family throughout most of the year. For all of us to be able to come together makes us very happy”.

And here’s BoBojan doing a charity dive to raise awareness of the environment in Barcelona! Gotta love the six fingers. Molt adorable, si?

Photos via Alejandro González & Reuters

NOTHING excites us more than meeting a fellow chica who plies her trade in the truly madcap world of the football media.

So when Futbolita encountered Kay Murray, the fresh face of Real Madrid TV (which telecasts on Sky TV and Digital in Spain), it was a bit like talking to a long lost hermana. From running halfway across Osasuna’s home ground for an interview with Arjen Robben to being drenched in the rain and jostling in the mixed zone area for her sound bytes (or perhaps not), the 29-year-old broadcast journalist from Middlesbrough has done it all… And yes, it does all seem very, very familiar!

“On a normal day we are usually at the studios, writing, cutting and producing news pieces or reports for our programmes. I record Real Madrid Life, the show that I present, every Thursday. It’s a nice day, as I get pampered by my make-up artists and stylists before I go on set!” Murray enthused.

And although she doesn’t get to share a lunch table with Florentino Perez (“He is a very busy man!”), Murray’s job with Real Madrid TV means that she boards the same plane as the Madrid boys when they travel to away games and also enjoys exclusive sit-down interviews with them.  And in case you were wondering, that list includes Kaka and Ronaldo.

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Hardly a flattering pose from Benzema BonBon, The Children’s Party Entertainer, but the Madrid-Xerez match up yesterday was full of it! Los Blancos pulled off a 5-0 win thanks to other goals from van Nistelrooy, Greaseano, Guti. It wasn’t a “five star” performance but Kaka’s hair needs to visit the salon ahora por favor.

Said Granero : “Cristiano Ronaldo is proving that he is a decisive player in every respect. We didn’t play our best, but we proved how strong we are. The substitutes are also contributing, which is very important. We tried to play too directly at times, but the fans would rather see us be patient. They are right. They must also have fun. That is why they come.”

Meanwhile, it has been revealed that Potter Perez and his fan club have amassed a debt of £296m. In true Madrid style, the assembly then approved a new record budget of £381m (€422m) for the current season. Marvelous… are they all on mushrooms?

“We’re going through a delicate moment with the world financial crisis, but we had to make a big effort for the new arrivals of players, which explains the debt,” said Potter Perez.

via AFP

Xabi looking suave in a suit there! Too bad this tale has nothing to do with his recent wedding to Nagore Aranburu.

Apparently, Potter Perez is pissed with all the speculation linking Real Moneda to Alonso. Apparently, Liverpool asked for £30million but no one in Spain is willing to meet that price. Alonso looked muito triste when we saw him a few days ago – clearly something’s happening!

“Some people obviously thought that because we said we wanted more Spanish players, they could ask for fees which don’t correspond to reality,” said Perez. “A year ago, certain players we’ve asked about would have cost less than half the price we’re being quoted now.

And here comes the quote of the year : “If necessary, we’ll find the Spanish players we would like for the squad in our youth system.”

Real Madrid’s youth system=  Charlie’s Chocolate Factory dispensing wheat grains.

Fútbol’s Biggest Douche, Greaseano, is expected to choose his all-important Real Madrid number within the next week. Since Raul The Great One is already wearing number 7, his new teammate will have to settle for either 9 or 10. He can’t choose 17 either because Parejo is using it but knowing Flo’ Perez, he’d do anything to make his expensive buys a little happier. This means that the former U-13 player may have to give up his number for Senor Red Shorts above.

On the issue of David Villa coming to Madrid, Perez is taking a ‘reasonable’ approach to the situation.

“We have the whole summer to explain to Valencia fans that everything we do will be done based on friendship and not confrontation. It is not a movie with good guys and bad guys. It’s about two prestigious institutions that are rivals and that will compete for the league title. Off the playing field however we are capable of sitting down and reaching an agreement,” he said.

[Photo via Just Jared]

Joan Laporta looks like a proud 5-year-old who loves peanut waffles in that photo. Oooh!

Anyway, the Barcelona president has accused Real Madrid of ‘breaking the market’ after Potter Perez submitted a bid to price Kaka away from AC Milan for $92 million.

“We adjusted to the market, which we believe should be the (case in the) world of football and other clubs with common sense and responsibility are also trying to (do the same)” he said.

“The normal setting will be to ensure that the clubs are well managed. We’re looking for players who want to enhance their prestige in sports – the reference is now Barca. They know that we are well regarded and have a good projection. We have always maintained (that),” he added.

H.Potter Perez gave an interview to Marca one day after Barca’s Champions League victory. Prior to that, he was doing another one of his ‘I’m running for Real Madrid candidacy speeches’ which everyone attended solely to talk about how awesome Barca were. Well, not really but you know there were uncomfortable laughs around the room as the attendees were anticipating a ‘live’ parrot show. Instead, they got a flaky mic stand and sourpuss faces.

Here are some prominent quotes…

“Look, we have experienced a situation of a great upheaval and I think it’s best to look ahead.”

“I am ashamed that this institution, which has its principles in their best asset, has reflected what any (other) institution should not.”

“Barca had a very good season. A great season, but this only serves to encourage me and motivate me to work with greater intensity, if possible, so that Madrid will regain the leadership that they never had to leave.”

“Until the (domestic) competitions are over, we are not going to talk to the clubs, but I’ve always expressed my great relationship with Galliani and maybe this relationship makes it easier for Kaká to come to Madrid.”

So it appears that Inter president Massimo Moratti (seen here with his wife and not an Inter groupie you dirty twats) is unhappy over Mourinho’s statements. Can’t anyone take sarcasm with a pinch of salt these days?!

He’s unhappy with his coach’s apparent ‘snark’ remarks about possibly joining Real Madrid (you know the 99.9/99 per cent shizzle that is making the Italian press piss in their pants right about now.)

“Of course I was not happy to read some things (about) Spain. I am following this issue very carefully and (will do so) till the end,” declared Moratti.

Anyway, Harry Potter Perez himself already ‘sent a memo’ out denying any contact with the guapo Portuguese.

“At no time was (there) any talk of José Mourinho as Real Madrid coach. There will be no decision on possible candidates for that position, until the competitions that are being disputed ends,” it said.

Just because the photo makes Cescy look like he’s literally basking in the grandeur of it all, we decided to post it for your enjoyment.

Anyway, Real Mierda are really getting on everyone’s nerves aren’t they? Ever since Harry Potter Perez announced his candidacy to be the club’s president, everyone from monsieur Arsene Wenger to the gardener’s cat has been linked to a move to the Bernabeu next season. But fear not because he’s probably going to ignore Perez’s text messages and naughty gifts on Facebook. No one takes the post of ‘Real Madrid coach’ seriously anymore. It’s like a part-time job. Grandma Juande knows that. Why do you think they found red lace in the dressing room?

On the Arsenal fans, monsieur said : “It makes me feel appreciated and even more regretful that we couldn’t give them what they wanted this season. I am very respectful for their faith in me. It’s very warming and it makes me even more determined to pay them back.”

Why can’t Ancelotti do the same? He’s playing mind games with the fans! But everyone should watch and learn from Mourinho.

Unfortunately for Grandma Juande, there won’t be anymore siestas on Pedja Mijatovic’s tab. Real Madrid’s sporting director has announced that he’s stepping down from his post today with the club’s presidential elections looming. He doesn’t want to admit that what really happened was that H.Potter Perez sent him a letter which said “Renunciar ahora!” It was delivered via owl post, Hogwarts style.

“I say goodbye with the feeling that I did my duty with positive results both professionally and personally. In these three years, the first team won two league titles and one Super Cup, but what makes me even more satisfied was the opportunity to take part in projects and hopes with such a fantastic group of people,” he said.

Adios Pedja! Bienvenido Jorge Valdano!

So Harry Potter Perez officially announced his decision to contest for Real Madrid presidency yesterday. And obviously, he’s already imagined himself as Real’s angelic saviour to rescue the club from the doldrums with that award-winning speech. 200 journalists from 14 countries actually travelled all the way to see this abuelo at the Ritz. And he’s not even a politician!

“During these past three years, I kept a respectful silence with a single purpose – not to interfere in the affairs of Real Madrid. I did not want to say anything that might embarrass the club. I understood that (my) silence was a contribution to the stability of the club. Today, based on the situation resulting from recent serious events, I am announcing my decision to submit my candidacy (to become) president of Real Madrid,” he declared.

“I’m coming back because we have experienced three years of improper conduct in a club which I consider the best in the world. Madrid should be exemplary, but we experienced an unfortunate step that we must overcome soon.”

“I return with even more enthusiasm than in 2000, with more passion, with a plan that can (bring back) stability to the club and a winning sports project,” Perez added.

The elections at the Spanish club are scheduled for June 14. In the meantime, Perez is trying to get Zinedine Zizou to assume a “boardroom” post with him, a feat he claims is easy.

How does Zizou always manage to look like a deer caught in the headlights? Maybe not so much in this photo – but it’s only because he and Veronique are standing in some fancy hotel lobby.

Anyway, the French whiz has spoken up about his former club Real Madrid and believes that the problem with the squad lies in their ‘identity’.

“Real Madrid must stop signing foreign figures and look at the culture (present in) Barcelona’s (squad). Madrid must recover their identity as soon as possible. In Barcelona there is a line and a common philosophy, which coincides with the first team,” he said.

“Messi, Xavi and Iniesta are able to do incredible things with the ball. They cannot be stopped even on Playstation.”

Well, at least Harry Potter Perez is taking steps to ensure the Great Dutch Sale will happen, if you believe this report.

Poor David Villa. He’s tired of all the transfer speculation but Harry Potter Perez refuses to leave him alone!

“Florentino Pérez contacts me every day – more or less, four to five times,” revealed the Spanish striker who has scored 25 goals for Valencia this season. The Real Madrid president is set to contest his presidency next week and wants Villa to come to the team to strengthen his campaign – and generate more votes, obviously.

“I am tired of so much speculation. I’m just working hard for the next four games of the championship. I don’t care about the rest,” he said.

What does he mean by ‘the rest’? Surely Villa knows he can’t afford to be vague when it comes to Real Madrid! Remember Hair Grease? He doubted Foreignchester United last July and everyone at the Bernabeu went berserk. “He will come!” they cried. “Ronaldo will be ours!” screamed the fans. And now, it’s “não há necessidade…”. Disappointing!

No, Florentino Perez doesn’t have 14 clones of Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka in his closet- but he’s furiously working at it. The Master of the Galactico Era – who looks like Harry Potter on perpetual medical leave – will formally announce his decision to contest for the Real Madrid presidency on May 14.

According to Marca, the club’s former sporting director, Jorge Valdano will be given a ‘new role’ – similiar to that of a vice-president. So you can expect Valdano to be Real Madrid’s answer to Adriano Galliani if he wins the seat. Except Valdano is a lot less likely to joke about fat strikers and mess with the fans.

And of coursee, every aspiring Madrid president knows about The List. Haven’t you heard? That list with all the best players and coaches in the world to seduce fans with in favour of votes. Spaniards, we advise you to take them with a pinch of salt. Learn from the dracula himself, Roman Calderon!

For now, Arsene Wenger, Cristiano Ronaldo, Kaka, Cesc Fabregas and Xabi Alonso are all ‘part of Perez’s project’. More names will to follow in the next few days, for sure.

Remember ousted Real Madrid prez Roman Calderon? ¡por supuesto!

The part-time vampire claims that Los Merengues have successfully signed a ‘World Class’ player – and all fingers are pointing at Face Grease and Kaka. Of course given their statements in last few weeks, the pair are very unlikely to don lilac shirts next season.

“I can’t give any names,” Calderon told French radio station RMC. “What I can say is that one of the best players in the world, thanks to difficult and laborious negotiations that having been going on since last year, is already formally a Real Madrid player. Subject obviously to him being able to sign the relevant contract.”

Now, is Calderon playing mind tricks with Florentino Perez (above)? Because we know Perez is a mastermind.