Fútbolita

It was a maravilloso night for the Inter boys as they made a clean sweep of all the UEFA Gala Awards, two of which naturally went to Brasileiros! Parabens to Sneijder, Julio Cesar, Maaaaaicon and Milito! Of course, Platini and friends opted to save on air tickets by making the already present winners draw the lots themselves. They obviously couldn’t afford Cruyff, who was busy tanning at a golf course somewhere in the world.

And as for the draw, many questions have risen over the authenticity of the process. Milan and Madrid in the same group AGAIN (with the added threat of Ajax!) is broma completa while Chelski and Barca will obviously sail through to the second round. Theose GORDO men in grey suits sitting at the front must stop all their dirty tricks before the Champs’ League turns into a joke!

Anyway, it’s the SuperCup Finale tonight! Kun Aguero Papa thinks Atletico will win it, but with Inter high on form (and confidence), they’ll probably prevent that from happening. Buennna suerteeee!

via UEFA, AFP, AP Photos

The last few hours have undoubtedly been emotional for Senhor Mourinho, from winning the Champions League and thrilling the sea of blue Nerazzurri to being roped in by Potter Perez to look after the Real Madrid manos next season! Mira, a team with so much individual talent (capable of getting their egos bruised with a snap of a finger) needs a disciplinarian and MouMou is PERFECTO. He did it at Chelski, and he might just do it in Madrid again. Obviously, Potter and gang stopped by the Bernabeu dressing room to have a little chat over whisky and scones (eww, what a combi) last Saturday.

Anyway, the contract is said to be worth €10 million annually. And yes, they’re now at the Bernabeu securing the deal as we speak! Estão prontos?

Photo via gettyimages

Desde luego… it had to be Diegooool Milito! No one else was going to capitalize on this stellar opportunity to cap what was a fantastic season off with two goals in a Champions League final. The Nerazzurri will be undoubtedly chanting his name for the rest of the year perhaps, but it is a great moment that deserves to be celebrated. Milito has worked incredibly hard throughout the season, and it’s no secret that he is an equally modest tio.

Next on the agenda for our Sunday Senor is the World Cup with Argentina. Granted, it will be difficult to fight with the attackers The Dona tends to favour, but who knows what he’s capable of then? And so we wait…!

We don’t know Balotelli is doing in that photo, but Inter certainly broke a lot of Roman hearts last night when they defeated Roma at their own Stadio Olimpico. Seriously, they should have just given Grandpa Ranieri a chance and concentrated on the Champions League final instead! Alas, no one does that these days, especially in Italy where the match-fixing mierda ruined everything.

“We’ve won the first of three trophies, now we expect to win the other two,” enthused Milito. “This victory will give us even more spirit for our next league game against Chievo.”

Seems like it’s all about Inter these days, but what’s there left to talk about right, Zorro Zanetti? They defeated Barca last week and yesterday, they went on to humiliate Lazio 2-0 in their own home ground. So yes, they’re now on their way to winning their fifth Serie A title. Seriously, this has got to stop! What’s happening to Italian football? Apart from Roma who’re picking up pace, the other teams’ performance is enough to make you yell... “quanto tragica!“

Anyway, if Inter are level on points with Roma at the end of the season, Luca Toni & amicis will be champions instead because they have a better head-to-head record against Inter. Per favore... we think that in order to rescue Serie A, somebody else is going to have to win it!

No, you’re not looking at Clash of the Interistis .. but for the love of Materazzi, welcoming Inter from Barcelona was such a grand affair! Today, I consoled a Barca chica who declared :”We fought to the end” and then you could see the anger creeping up in her and quickly decided it was best to consult the dandelions instead.

Also, Barca can’t be winning all the time (they achieved all they needed to) so Senor Pep should chill and focus on the La Liga now. As for Joan Laporta, he wants a response AHORA! “Today we have experienced the cruel face of football but now we have need to lift ourselves and think about the league,” he said.

Anyway, Pique sends his condolences to all our fans. ”It was all I could do, turn and shoot, but sadly it was not enough. We are disappointed. This elimination leaves us dissatisfied, disappointed. But football continues, we have another final on Saturday [against Villarreal] and we hope to win. Let’s give it our best and go for that game.”

Del Piero went on the much-loved Chiambretti nights to talk about Juventus.

“I think Inter will win the Scudetto. Roma was unlucky, the last game he deserved to win. It was a misstep that can be costly,” said Prince of Piero.

via Reuters, Correire dello Sport

So in the end, it was 3-1 to Inter and Julio Cesar’s POSE totally says it! Anyway, after beating the tired Barca, both Julio and his esposa, Susana Werner, left the kids at home and went out for dinner and drinks. The folks at the back obviously have NO idea what’s going on… like the gardener downstairs who suddenly became an Interisti!

“They were unbelievable in their character, in their mentality,” declared MouMou. “We won and we deserved it but experience tells us that we still have a long way to go. Today we did it, though, and we deserved it.”

Inter and Milan are all in hot water now and it’s all Luciano Moggi’s fault! The former Juventus executive has summoned new ghosts from the grave by demanding that 75 phone-tap conversations be admitted for evidence. And they apparently involved Interrrr, whom the Juve fans hate. Well, the sign above reads : “Respect, Justice, Honesty, that’s why we are here.” Sono grave?!

“And it’s not over now. In the next hearings we will bring out other new conversations that involve Inter and AC Milan,” Moggi said, taking out phone-tap transcripts from a folder after the court session.

Uncle Ancelotti will also take the stands next week when Chelski let him go on a holiday…

via Gettyimages

Adriano is finally settling down! Of course, compared to fetuses like Pato, his impending marriage to samba dancer (naturally), Joana Machado seems a little unexpected. She’d better be careful, because he was supposed to marry Cassia Menega last year... and look what happened.

Anyway, their wedding is scheduled to take place in Buzios, Rio, in May later this year. Adriano is apparently being overprotective these days and has not allowed Joana to leave the house. She hasn’t even been “to the gym in three months” and “really misses the beach”. O que ela está falando?! Knowing Adriano, it’s not like she isn’t getting any workout in the house…

via Ego

So yes, we know everyone’s still reeling from the Arsenal/Barca game which is why Sneijder feels a little lonely! Thanks to Diego Milito, Inter managed to defeat CSKA Moscow narrowly (1-0) last night but it wasn’t exactly the easiest game to play in. We’re not sure what’s it going to be like for them in Moscow next week… but tipos need to find inspiration ORA!

Here’s a photo of Cesc picking up the ball after scoring the penalty for Arsenal last night. Yes, who wouldn’t want to pick up the ball immediately and do a celebratory jig?! Even we are surprised that they did managed well against Barca. And say what you will about the Spaniard but…. Cómo inspirador! España va a estar orgulloso de tener un capitán como él un día! Fighting back to make it 2-2 is bloody impressive.

Unfortunately, following the game, both Cesc and Arshavin are suspected to have picked up injuries and in the Russian Roulette’s own words: “Perhaps I won’t be able to play for another two or three weeks. It is not a relapse of my old injury, this is a new one.”

Bom dia! Do allow Senhor Mourinho’s gallery of facial expressions to help you determine the rest of your day. The semi-sneezing third one will probably do well against Botox Berlusconi if used with some measure of precaution i.e. when he is leaving the plastic surgeon’s clinic.

Nevertheless, the Nerazzurri did very well yesterday, trouncing Livorno 3-0 and looking forward to their weekend game against Roma. Eto’o is on a scoring rolllll and with that, Chivu is ready to go on holiday… atrevido!

Poooor fin! After four years (even the villain himself, Botox Berlusconi considers this a long wait), Inter have made it to the semi finals of the Champions League. And it’s all thanks to Eto’o of course… and maybe Senhor Mourinho’s black coat!

Anyway, a disgruntled Chelski fan just walked in here hurling expletives at Eto’o… but do not worry, amigas! We’ve sent him out the door with The Diving Drogba song.

At least Mourinho prefers to remain modest, which is the way it should be! “I’m so happy because of the way my team played. It was difficult for me to come here as an enemy where my ‘home’ is, here at Chelsea. Yesterday someone asked me if I would still be special if I lost here. Today I’m not so special for Chelsea supporters who will probably never forgive me.”

Awww, check out that sheepish smile from Senhor Mourinho! Just what you needed to start your day eh, dear Mothers of the world?

Anyway, it’s Champions League night again tonight – and hopefully, Inter will not humiliate all their tifosi with a Bolognese performance capable of throwing away their 2-1 lead. That award belongs to Milan side which forgot to turn up for work against United last week!

“Special for me would be to bring Inter over the barrier they have had for a few years of not even going to the quarter-finals. Special for me is to bring the team into the next stage. I’ll read the game the best I can, make the best decisions I can, influence it in the best possible way and give everything I have to help my team win,” declared Jose.

OK, Dani Alves looks a little shocked in this photo (the lights, dear God!) but at least it was for a good cause! He attended an event in aid of the Haitian earthquake victims in Barcelona last night. We know a mano who looks exactly like Dani Alves - albeit a skinnier version, but he’s the equivalent of a douchebag… clearly something Dani is not! Bem feito.

Parabens! The U-20 seleção feminina have made it to the finals of the World Cup (as expected ) after defeating Chile in the semifinals of the South American category. Alana Santana is the name you should be chanting throughout the rest of the day because she scored the goals! Here’s a video of the futbolitas’ 3-1 win over Paraguay a few days ago…

So your favourite Churrascaria King, Adriano, wants you to know that he never used drugs in his life and is annoyed that people are throwing all these unjust accusations at him! Relax, mano… tudo é bom. You know that Senhor Mourinho still keeps your file at home and occasionally sifts through it when he’s not on Skype with Z-Ibracadabra!

“I’ve never used drugs – nothing was ever proven. Suddenly, because I live in the slum, people associate me with it,” he said.

His fiancee, Joana Machado, who made a big fuss about finding him with other Flamengo players in the slum in the wee hours of the morning, was also involved in her own controversy known in Brazil as “episódio Chatuba”. Said Adri : “She was not wrong and she did not assault me. If the person likes you, she wants to take care of you. She was afraid because I did not arrive on the time that was determined.”

via Aracatinet, Globo

So the million dollar question for you Greaseañies today is – WOULD YOU TAP THAT? Well, mano looked pretty clean cut at at the launch of his “I’m wearing this for the World Cup” Nike boot launch yesterday. And the Portugal jacket looks ridiculously comfortable (almost like the blue/white selecao bootcamp ones!) Anyway, he also revealed that he speaks to Kaka a lot because they understand a common language and they both share hope for a Brazil/Portugal final on July 11. Você acredita? (do you believe?)

Here’s another brilliant Crackovia episode again – this time featuring two Barca presidential candidates on their way to watch Barca play Stuttgart. Nunez and Gaspart approach the counter to purchase a ticket at the airport – but Nunez is taken aback at the price. You’ll love his classic reaction!

We were surprised at Senhor Julio Cesar’s poor eye injury last night. It kinda reminded us of Rustu Recber, the intimidating Turkish goalkeeper who happens to be our amiga’s favourite goalie of all time – don’t ask. Anyway, it’s high time we applaud the Inter manos for their hard work – particularly Lucio, who has been hailed by the Brazilian press for his performance against Chelski last night. Also, what a stunner from Diegol…. and Cambiasso!!

via AFP, Reuters, tv3

They left the Rossoneri two days apart form each other, but Ancelotti and la leggenda Maldini still love one another the same! How sweet but too bad many Milanistas don’t share the same sentiments. Anyway, tonight’s Inter-Chelski match up should be exciting even though Senhor Mourinhoooo says knowing too much about his former team isn’t that helpful. Ah, jogos da mente again we see.

“Sometimes it’s more difficult when you know so much about a team as, if you don’t decide the appropriate information you need to give to your players, it can be tough,” he said. Come on Jose, you know everything. There’s no need to be so modest now!

Members of an Italian mafia group have been arrested after police uncovered their plans to abduct none other than Senhor Mourinho! What were they thinking? He’d win them all over in quindici minuti! “Giovanni, I like your spirit but you are not listening to me no? I asked you to shave off your beard on Thursday. I don’t like these things. To become European Champion, you must do it or we don’t talk about it,” he’d say while making the table in a spare Lazio shirt.

Anyway, the authorities found strong traces of wiretapping, photos and the coach’s home address in one of the mafia’s homes in Genoa. Gattuso was cleared of all charges, however, after being found cutting his fish in his restaurant while listening to Andrea Bocelli.

So all eyes will be on Dopey today as he prepares to announce the seleção that’ll face Ireland next month. Everyone’s wondering about The Dinho but unless he stops himself from hitting all of Milan’s hot spots with Boriello and starts showing some discipline, there’s no chance for a return. Dopey is all about discipline and consistency so never cross the line or he’ll scream “vá embora!” and that’s the end of you.

And as for the list of strikers, El Pato has been nursing an injury for 24,241 years so he might not make it. Nilmar has been average (at best) for Villarreal so he might be left out. Fabulousoooo and Robinho will probably get the green light since boot camp ain’t the same without them.

Pep’s legacy, Crackovia style – what else do you need to know about it?!

Last but not least, Ricardo over here would like to tell all his fan girls not to worry about his sports hernia problem. Instead, they should finish all their homework and eat on time. Who are we kidding? The best FanGirl breed still belongs to the Kakazetes!

“I feel good. The sports hernia does not bother me any more. It has disappeared, but I still need to do specific recovery work like any injured player does. Last week it was rumored that it is a chronic problem which isn’t true. It isn’t just in Spain where there has been talk about me not being able to return to my old form. It also happened in Brazil and Italy, but it simply isn’t true.”

Ah, cheeky Materazzi. Always out to create trouble and grab attention. He did it right this time with the caricature mask of Botox Berlusconi. Come on now, Milanistas... even you have to admit it was a pretty good effort on his part. “It was a college prank for the Derby, nothing more. No desire to be controversial, no desire to offend, no political implications,” he said after the game. Hmmm.

Anyway, instead of boring you futbolitas with post-match commentary (you’ve probably already picked up the headlines – and gone through the 2-0 scoreline in Inter’s favour), there are two conclusions that we’ve drawn – Milan are a much better squad than last year but Inter are more complete as a unit. Here are some of the best photos featuring Donatella Versace’s 1045th nose job, Sneijder’s wife and a really awesome video featuring two journalists (one supports Inter, the other Milan) and their reactions during the game. We’d love to be sitting… somewhere in the middle!

Guti has quickly transformed himself into a disgruntled Real Madrid employee (oooh, ¡caray!) after being confronted by journos last week. It’s no secret that he has fallen out of favour with tío Pellegrini, so obviously they HAD to ask the million-dollar question about leaving the club (no, not that Ibiza dance club!) Yeah, we can almost sense the pressure and it’s not looking very good.

“I would like to end my contract at Real Madrid but it is also true that I would love to be able to play for another team,” he said. “To be able to enjoy another culture, to be able to enjoy another life, other team-mates, another league. It is true that I’ve had a very nice time at Real Madrid, that Madrid is a city where I wanted to live all my life, and now I want to leave Madrid.”

Oh, how apt! The Italian Football Oscars (Oscar del Calcio) took place one day after the Golden Globes and Ibracadabra won the title of Best Footballer for 2009. In his acceptance speech, he said he “missed Italy and Mourinho” as well, but is now growing “fond of Spain” (well… duh!)

Julio Cesar – who arrived late for the ceremony – and El Pato won for Best Goalkeeper and Best Young Player respectively, to which Pato said : “We will not play in the derby!” Meanwhile, Chiellini of Juventus won for best defender (or number of times one bleeds in the game) and the Best Italian Football Player award went to Daniele de Rossi.

Check out the videos!

via Gettyimages, SportItalia

• You and I know that 2010 will be a bloody exciting year for futbol - so if you aren’t counting down to the symphony of vuvuzelas in South Africa already, you’d better start inmediatamente! Happy New Year’s Day, futbolitas.

• Guess who desperately needs to start the year on a clean slate? It’s none other than… Luca Toni! After complaining about  being underused and mistreated by Mistress van Gaal at Bayern, Italy’s Most Awkward striker has now officially joined AS Roma on loan until June 30. Obviously, he’s banking on that transfer to help him get into Lippi’s World Cup squad. Oh for the love of Ranieri, is this man deluded? Someone will have to air courier us a live cactus if Luca gets called up!

• Lookey! Another Brazilian has joined Arsenal on a long-term deal. It’s the U-17 meninho, Wellington and the Gunners have bought him from Fluminense for a cool $10 million. Of course, Wellington is still considered a fetus (much like Coutinho) so he’ll remain in Brazil until he turns 18. And as they say, experience is key so he’ll have to win as much as he can with Fluminense (cue the collective snorts!) before officially becoming Denilson’s BFF in London.

• Yes, you’re looking at specially-commissioned stamps of Zizou in aid of the ELA – a European foundation against Leukodystrophy (a genetic disease which attacks the nervous system). We must say that Zizi resembles the handsome French actor types in these portraits and no, we’re not referring to Gerard Depardieu…. how dare you! Oui, des amis, Zizi’s more like the type who murders the heroine and gets away scot-free in a movie because he’s just so suave. Ah, when did it all come to this, you say? Je ne sais pas!
  



• The man who is capable of causing a fire alarm to set off at a fertility clinic aka Senhor Mourinho has declared that he’s fighting a “lost war” with Italian journalists. Awww, cari colleghi (dear colleagues) – what have you done now?! “I do not feel uncomfortable in this country. When I say I am (not loved) here, I am referring to my relationship with the media. For me, it is the fault of journalists (but) for them, it’s my fault,” he said.”In that sense, I know it is a lost war from the beginning, because journalists are many and I am only one. I lose this war, but not my independence, my way of being politically correct and always saying what I think. But I think with a little more respect we can move on.”
  

via AFP, Abola, Reuters