Fútbolita

Look at that wide smile on Ibracadabra! It speaks volumes of what he thinks about his new Milanese life. As many suspected, Senor Pep and him weren’t on the same page towards the end of his career. He told the Swedish media this yesterday in Stockholm, where he and his fellow KEX BALLERINA from Ikea lovers are preparing for a friendly against Hungary tomorrow.

“There was only one person (on the Barcelona team) who wanted to get rid of me. I have never had problems with any coach before during my career. But suddenly I had a thousand problems and I had no communication with ‘the Philosopher’. No communication whatsoever. I don’t know what his problem was,” said Ibra.

Ibra, you must first show that you want to play before you start putting the blame on the coach. What’s going to happen at Milan? Who’s going to play the role of “Let’s Support The Strikers”? There’s Pato and Robinho now!

Meet Dani Alves, your new Barcelona tour guide. Do not be alarmed by all that bling he’s wearing on his ears, even though it puts the whole Samba parade to shame. Anyway, it’s been two years since he last arrived from Sevilla, but cara is still in love with the Catalan city and wants YOU and your wallet to know that it’s possible to eat out everyday of the year.

“When I moved here, people told me it was possible to eat in different restaurants 365 times per year. I did not believe it. But after you get used to it, you realize it’s true. Today I (searched) for a restaurant in my GPS and you could see that symbol with a fork and knife,” he said in an interview, laughing. Oh Dani, were we supposed to look for a symbol indicating the zoo instead?

“When I got here, I did a “city tour” to know the main points. I really enjoyed it. For example, I visited Holy Family Church, Parque Guell, which has several works by Gaudi (architect). It’s also nice to go to Montjuic, where is the Olympic Village in 1992. My grade for the city is 9.5 because 10 is always perfect, and people always have some complaints. But Barcelona, to live and go for holidays, is the best place in the world,” added Alves.

Oh dear, it seems that MouMou the Mastermind, has been reading too much of his son, Jose Jr’s, Harry Potter books and getting discount coupons from the movie’s themepark. How did he manage to conjure up this statement? It’s pretty ridiculous and brilliant in itself.

“I am a coach, not Harry Potter. He is a magician. Magic is fiction and I live for football, which is real. I’ve only been in Madrid for two months. Do you know how many training sessions I have had with everyone together, including the new signings? Not even 10. My profile as a coach is different to what it has been in recent years. If things go badly I have to leave. I would have one of the best clubs in the world waiting for me.”

via Reuters, Globoesporte

Welcome to Futbolita’s “La Liga Lunes!” (say it with a merry little voice). It’s one of our fresh new features for the new season, which means ya’ll better stop the hair waxing or whateverchu been doin’ and get back to the Spanish futbol business. So let’s ring the bell and dance to the new season!

DE TODOS MODOS, Matchday 1 consisted of a lot of mid-air fistpumps (David Maravilla style), Greaseano whining and sheer disappointment on MouMou’s face. Obviously, Barca weren’t feeling the pain of losing Ibracadabra to their friends in Italy and handed Racing a nice 3-0 gift courtesy of Maravilla, Iniesta and the Messiah. Sergio Canales cried all the way from his Madrid apartment, but after leaving Racing for better shores, that was inevitable!

As for Mourinho…. acorda, tio! You can do better than that goaless draw against Mallorca! Where was the mascot (Juande Ramos) when you needed him?

Said MouMou : “I’m disappointed that with the number of chances we created we didn’t score. When you aren’t at your best you have to do two things, defend so your opponents don’t score, and take your chances. We deserved to win.”

All photos via AP & Reuters

We remember when we used to be so crazy about Sr. Raúl over here (aka “The Nose Model” according to mamá) and cried como un idiota when Spain lost on penalties to South Korea in 2002. Back then, he and Morientes were making boys like Fabregas and Blondie Torres drool over their TV sets. Guess what?! Morientes came to see his old best friend at the launch of his autobiography “Raul- El Triunfo” or “The Triumph”.

Also, Senhor Mourinho looks a little too patient for his own good but that’s besides the point. It’s always very nice to see good friends like Morientes and Raul again together even though none of them are playing for Del Bosque now (he coached Madrid when Morientes was still playing for them).

(via Gettyimages/AFP)

The last few hours have undoubtedly been emotional for Senhor Mourinho, from winning the Champions League and thrilling the sea of blue Nerazzurri to being roped in by Potter Perez to look after the Real Madrid manos next season! Mira, a team with so much individual talent (capable of getting their egos bruised with a snap of a finger) needs a disciplinarian and MouMou is PERFECTO. He did it at Chelski, and he might just do it in Madrid again. Obviously, Potter and gang stopped by the Bernabeu dressing room to have a little chat over whisky and scones (eww, what a combi) last Saturday.

Anyway, the contract is said to be worth €10 million annually. And yes, they’re now at the Bernabeu securing the deal as we speak! Estão prontos?

Photo via gettyimages

Bom dia! Do allow Senhor Mourinho’s gallery of facial expressions to help you determine the rest of your day. The semi-sneezing third one will probably do well against Botox Berlusconi if used with some measure of precaution i.e. when he is leaving the plastic surgeon’s clinic.

Nevertheless, the Nerazzurri did very well yesterday, trouncing Livorno 3-0 and looking forward to their weekend game against Roma. Eto’o is on a scoring rolllll and with that, Chivu is ready to go on holiday… atrevido!

Poooor fin! After four years (even the villain himself, Botox Berlusconi considers this a long wait), Inter have made it to the semi finals of the Champions League. And it’s all thanks to Eto’o of course… and maybe Senhor Mourinho’s black coat!

Anyway, a disgruntled Chelski fan just walked in here hurling expletives at Eto’o… but do not worry, amigas! We’ve sent him out the door with The Diving Drogba song.

At least Mourinho prefers to remain modest, which is the way it should be! “I’m so happy because of the way my team played. It was difficult for me to come here as an enemy where my ‘home’ is, here at Chelsea. Yesterday someone asked me if I would still be special if I lost here. Today I’m not so special for Chelsea supporters who will probably never forgive me.”

They left the Rossoneri two days apart form each other, but Ancelotti and la leggenda Maldini still love one another the same! How sweet but too bad many Milanistas don’t share the same sentiments. Anyway, tonight’s Inter-Chelski match up should be exciting even though Senhor Mourinhoooo says knowing too much about his former team isn’t that helpful. Ah, jogos da mente again we see.

“Sometimes it’s more difficult when you know so much about a team as, if you don’t decide the appropriate information you need to give to your players, it can be tough,” he said. Come on Jose, you know everything. There’s no need to be so modest now!

Members of an Italian mafia group have been arrested after police uncovered their plans to abduct none other than Senhor Mourinho! What were they thinking? He’d win them all over in quindici minuti! “Giovanni, I like your spirit but you are not listening to me no? I asked you to shave off your beard on Thursday. I don’t like these things. To become European Champion, you must do it or we don’t talk about it,” he’d say while making the table in a spare Lazio shirt.

Anyway, the authorities found strong traces of wiretapping, photos and the coach’s home address in one of the mafia’s homes in Genoa. Gattuso was cleared of all charges, however, after being found cutting his fish in his restaurant while listening to Andrea Bocelli.

So all eyes will be on Dopey today as he prepares to announce the seleção that’ll face Ireland next month. Everyone’s wondering about The Dinho but unless he stops himself from hitting all of Milan’s hot spots with Boriello and starts showing some discipline, there’s no chance for a return. Dopey is all about discipline and consistency so never cross the line or he’ll scream “vá embora!” and that’s the end of you.

And as for the list of strikers, El Pato has been nursing an injury for 24,241 years so he might not make it. Nilmar has been average (at best) for Villarreal so he might be left out. Fabulousoooo and Robinho will probably get the green light since boot camp ain’t the same without them.

Pep’s legacy, Crackovia style – what else do you need to know about it?!

Last but not least, Ricardo over here would like to tell all his fan girls not to worry about his sports hernia problem. Instead, they should finish all their homework and eat on time. Who are we kidding? The best FanGirl breed still belongs to the Kakazetes!

“I feel good. The sports hernia does not bother me any more. It has disappeared, but I still need to do specific recovery work like any injured player does. Last week it was rumored that it is a chronic problem which isn’t true. It isn’t just in Spain where there has been talk about me not being able to return to my old form. It also happened in Brazil and Italy, but it simply isn’t true.”

• You and I know that 2010 will be a bloody exciting year for futbol - so if you aren’t counting down to the symphony of vuvuzelas in South Africa already, you’d better start inmediatamente! Happy New Year’s Day, futbolitas.

• Guess who desperately needs to start the year on a clean slate? It’s none other than… Luca Toni! After complaining about  being underused and mistreated by Mistress van Gaal at Bayern, Italy’s Most Awkward striker has now officially joined AS Roma on loan until June 30. Obviously, he’s banking on that transfer to help him get into Lippi’s World Cup squad. Oh for the love of Ranieri, is this man deluded? Someone will have to air courier us a live cactus if Luca gets called up!

• Lookey! Another Brazilian has joined Arsenal on a long-term deal. It’s the U-17 meninho, Wellington and the Gunners have bought him from Fluminense for a cool $10 million. Of course, Wellington is still considered a fetus (much like Coutinho) so he’ll remain in Brazil until he turns 18. And as they say, experience is key so he’ll have to win as much as he can with Fluminense (cue the collective snorts!) before officially becoming Denilson’s BFF in London.

• Yes, you’re looking at specially-commissioned stamps of Zizou in aid of the ELA – a European foundation against Leukodystrophy (a genetic disease which attacks the nervous system). We must say that Zizi resembles the handsome French actor types in these portraits and no, we’re not referring to Gerard Depardieu…. how dare you! Oui, des amis, Zizi’s more like the type who murders the heroine and gets away scot-free in a movie because he’s just so suave. Ah, when did it all come to this, you say? Je ne sais pas!
  



• The man who is capable of causing a fire alarm to set off at a fertility clinic aka Senhor Mourinho has declared that he’s fighting a “lost war” with Italian journalists. Awww, cari colleghi (dear colleagues) – what have you done now?! “I do not feel uncomfortable in this country. When I say I am (not loved) here, I am referring to my relationship with the media. For me, it is the fault of journalists (but) for them, it’s my fault,” he said.”In that sense, I know it is a lost war from the beginning, because journalists are many and I am only one. I lose this war, but not my independence, my way of being politically correct and always saying what I think. But I think with a little more respect we can move on.”
  

via AFP, Abola, Reuters

Alan Kardec is now officially a Benfica player! Of course you remember him… he’s the U-20 Brazil wanderkid from Vasco. Yes, there are thousands (and probably millions) of “Brazilian Wanderkids” but damn, tipo over here is a fineeeee one! Anyway, upon his arrival in Lisbon yesterday, Kardec spent 2 hours at the airport finalizing legal documents and unfortunately, did not grant interviews to any of journalists. But that’s because none of them were wearing bikinis!

Ah, lovely! Senhor Mourn-In-HoHo was at Stamford Bridge to witness Diving Drogba in action last night. Ever the hardworking coach, Mourinho is already taking notes prior to their Champions League encounter with Chelski next February. This man is a workaholic and you can almost imagine him saying, “Please don’t call me arrogant but in Jose world, there is no room for mistakes.” Oh please, in Jose world, there will be a special corner selling Ballackwursts, Ibrahimovic posters at half-price and CDS containing trance remixes of “I think I’m the special one” How can you not be arrogant if you have all that?!

That’s Kun Aguero in happier days… before he pulled a Tiger Woods on Gianinna, of course. Sometimes, all you gotta do is to stop being a Douche and everything can be normal again. And perhaps things are looking up for Kun (maybe not in the national team – if The Dona really believes that blood is thicker than water) according to the latest round of gossip.

Now, it seems that Potter Perez wants to bring Kun to Real Madrid next July and is willing to shell out €60 million paid out over time like structured settlement annuities are to see him wear white. He doesn’t mind Villa either – but it seems pretty unlikely at this point. As for Kun, in order to complete Phase 3 of the glitzy Bachelor lifestyle, he must move to the Bernabeu. Because, que es lo que quieres, verdad?

via Xabierpita, Reuters and A Bola

Senhor Mourinho has finally admitted to insulting a journalist from Corriere dello Sport… but he will not apologize for his actions. Instead, the coach expects a Christmas gift because he thinks that thanks to his actions, the dude is now as famous as Italian pop singer, Eros Ramazzotti.

“I must be honest and say that it is true that I insulted the journalist Andrea Ramazzotti (from the Italian newspaper). But it is not true that there was an attempted assault or physical contact,” Mourinho declared last night. He added that he only insulted the journalist because the man has been getting on his nerves non-stop – particularly after Inter’s draw with Atlanta last weekend.

Dio mio! If Mourinho insults you, you’ve got a scoop … so run with it, man!

Anyway, in case you were wondering about Eros Ramazzotti, he kind of reminds one of the Italian Anderson Cooper.

Oh, the passion on Pique the Pout’s face speaks volumes, following his goal against Inter last night!! Este tipo puts in a lot of effort when he plays, so you could say that he deserves it and now he can safely resume his role as a Twilight vampire (cue the trees!)

“It was a very important game for us and we’ll think about it later. We had a very good start, we went ahead and we kept their attack at a distance. Now I think only of playing in the game against Real,” he declared.

Unfortunately for Inter, they forgot to come to work last night. Senor Jose is apparently in the mood for Christmas and didn’t bother issuing instructions of any kind, preferring to let the wine things flow. Meanwhile, plenty of hugs were exchanged between Eto’o and the gang (sweet!) and Pique even gave him his jersey after the game. You know you loved it!

“I give my heartfelt thanks to all. It was a little strange to be in the other locker room, but this is football. I hope that Barcelona remains (like this) and we can win (our next game) so that we will qualify,” said Eto’o.

Ei futbolitas, many of us may be familiar with the louco Brazilian CQC gang (even Felipe Andreoli officially knows how much nós adoramos!) In case you happen to be living under Fabio Capello’s rock, it’s a politically-incorrect current affairs programme that stands for ‘Caiga Quien Caiga’. You can still catch up with their madcap antics… no sienten miedo.

Anyway, perhaps you’ll remember The Dona’s visit to Inter’s camp earlier this year when Mooourinho couldn’t help but ask for an autograph. Well, Miguel Rocha from CQC Portugal went stalking the Argentinean around the Giuseppe Meazza and posed absurd questions to Hernan Crespo, which were met with equally classic one-word answers. “I invite you to come play for Portugal, OK?” he said to which Ragdoll Crespo nodded! Special guest appearance from Ibracadabra included.

Many have been mesmerized by the sensual dancers on Italian TV show Chiambretti Night, but no one enjoyed it as much as Uncle Carlo! We don’t know what’s going on “behind” but someone bring a bucket of water, per favore!

Also, Chelski’s coach has made it clear that he does not want to be on the same table as Jose Mourinho – if UEFA ever decides to hold one of those awkward gala dinners that Pele ever so enjoys. “If Mourinho is Jesus, I’m not his apostle,” he declared. Surprisingly, Uncle Carlo did not criticise Leoooonardo’s current work at the club, saying that he believed in the Brazilian coach. Oh dear, what is going on?!

Anyway, enjoy the rest of the photos. They’re all equally as painful as the one above, but still awesome.

Via GettyImages

Botox Berlusconi recently approached Jose Mourinho somewhere in the San Siro  (we’re guessing) and the Inter coach’s facial expression is one of absolute relief. What did Botox tell Jose exactly? We hope it wasn’t a lousy joke about grey dye in Mourinho’s hair. He’s the Prime Minister and everything but come on, there’s a limit….

• The Dinho’s bro and agent, Roberto de Assis is annoyed that you think his bro is a Has Been and should be banished from the seleção forever. This comes after the newspaper Sport alleged last week that the Brazilian is planning to retire. “All that (was published) were total lies. The newspaper was so cruel that it put everything in a “confidential” tone so no one (would) assume anything. In this case, it was done without the least respect for someone who has done a lot for the sport We did not respond to it because we know exactly where it came from,” Assis said.
• Senor Mourinho has been slapped a one-match ban by referee Daniele Orsato, who also sent him off in a previous game. He’ll now have the chance to enjoy a plate of pasta with Marco Materazzi for protesting after the referee failed to book Cagliari’s Davide Astori for a foul on Mario Balotelli.
• Ok… ignore our overexcited reactions to Alfio Basile’s resignation yesterday. He has decided to honour his contract as Boca coach and will “continue in office.” “Without any doubt, he has confirmed that he will stay,” said the club’s vice president, José Beraldi. We’ll be seeing more of Ursula then…
• Remember Santos’s child prodigy, Neymar? He may be considered a star in the making but Emerson still thinks he has a looooong way to go. “I think he has great quality, but is still very weak physically. He needs to develop. Today’s football needs a lot of physical strength. I see that people (consider him to be like) Ronaldo, who at 33, has won everything in life. Not so. (Neymar) has to learn a lot and to have that freedom to develop into (his) best which is the skill. But he must not (be) pressured,” he said.

VIA AP Photo

Marcelo Lippi was wrong – Juventus are not the best team in Italy and they’re certainly not favorites to win the Serie A. Listen to Lucio instead, amigas! At least you can’t accuse him of looking like Paul Newman.

“Just because Lippi said it (and he’s the national coach) doesn’t mean he’s right. Inter have been champions in recent years, but we are not the automatic favorites. We have difficulties but we have the strongest team in Serie A,” declared Lucio with pride.

Earlier this week, Mourinho also claimed that Lippi showed a “lack of respect” to other clubs in the championship by openly choosing his favorites, but the Portuguese refrained from commenting further on the Azzurra.

“I don’t wish to speak a word of it,” he said.

Inter will take on newly promoted Bari this Sunday while Milan play Siena tomorrow. Benvenuto, Serie A!

via GETTY

Uh-oh, looks like these two tios won’t be having backyard barbecues anytime soon, judging from Ancelotti’s curt words.

“Mourinho is a colleague, not a friend. I have friends outside of football – he is just a colleague and as such I respect him,” the Italian told The Sunday Times.

“Friends? Maybe in the future when I finish my career and he ends his. Then we can all remember our meetings.”

This doesn’t sound very good. They should both just take a chill pill and laugh at one another. Sadly, we can’t begin to imagine these two on a beach enjoying a piña colada while discussing non-football matters. Like, you know, a shared affinity for mistresses.

On a different note, Chelski’s coach shared a little bit about his childhood. “My father had a small plot and worked the land for 50 years producing milk which was used to make (Parmesan cheese). Working in the fields taught me a great lesson: to wait and have patience,” added Ancelotti.

Why does everybody at Inter Milan love to talk about Mathematics? Ibrahimovic did it, their sporting director, Marco Branco said it… and now, Senor Mourinho has joined the gang.

“We will be Italian champions when the mathematics says so. Inter have always shown that they are psychologically strong, they have always replied to defeats with victories, like in the derby or in Manchester, and this is why they deserve to win the championship. But there’s a distance between deserving and winning, and it is that distance that we have to travel. Football is mathematics,” he said.

Inter will play Juventus tonight and Mourinho would like you to know that he isn’t afraid of their fans.

“There’s no fear if the Juventus fans are waiting for me. A bit of verbal aggression can be part of the game, but we live and work in a great, civil country, so there’s no fear.”