Fútbolita

THIS is what we call Italian football passione! Of course, following Roma’s 2-1 victory over Lazio, Ranieri Doubtfire isn’t the only one they’re going to be smothering now. Mirko Vucinic, who scored two goals, is the Uomo del momento (and probably the more deserving Sunday Senor… desculpe, Cacau!) and you’d better believe it because Luca Toni does! Yes amigas, after all that merciless teasing on our part, we are now prepared to say that Awkward Luca does, in fact, deserve to be happy. There’s only so much an Italiano can take before his pride gets punctured to the ground.

Roma are now at the top of the Serie A table! So if you’re a fan… festeggiare!

via AP, Reuters

Lulu Toni has finally mustered up the courage to speak about first team spots in the Azzurri. Oh dear, that took quite a while, didn’t it, futbolitas? And does anyone really care what Luca thinks about Amauri The Addled Angel? Bambiiiii, sei noioso! Save all this for your Sunday barbecue session with Ranieri Doubtfire, per favore. There will be marshmallows….

“He chose to play for Italy only because Brazil did not pick him (gasp…. Dunga did!) In our league there are many good strikers. Not just those who play at Milan, Inter or Juve. If he is (fit) Amauri can (go) and I will try in every way (for my own spot in the national team). But I think this is an unfair situation,” cried Luca.

Speaking of Amauri, we swear that his hair is capable of kicking Jackie Chan’s ass in FIVE minutes. You know Thiago Silva has already signed the petition to ban its appearance at all Serie A Games. That thing needs go for a walk!

via Gettyimages, Sky Sport Italia

It looks like zio Ranieri is getting himself all worked up – or rather, excited – over the possibility of the ToniTotti pairing for Roma this weekend against Genova. He even compared the spectacle to Drogba’s favourite film, Avatar! Ok, we made that last bit up about your beloved Diving genius, but whatever you say, Tsu’tey the clan leader is still his twin.

“There are more expectations to see Totti-Toni than (the opening of) ‘Avatar’ itself” said Ranieri. By the way, the film opens to the Italian public on Friday and you know Marcello Lippi already bought his 3-D glasses in hopes of seeing the tribe’s princess in all her blueness. “Let’s hope that the captain recovers (from tendinitis). When he is fit, will talk about how he can play for Roma,” added Ranieri.

One of Argentina’s starlets, Eduardo “Toto” Salvio is set to become an Atletico Madrid player… and yes, he’s touted to be Kun Aguero’s replacement (so that he can finally make that dream move to wherever he wants). Los colchoneros fans must be thrilled!

It cost 8 million to bring Toto to the club (caro, tal vez?) because his former club, Lanús charged EUR 6.8 million and the Argentine Football Association paid an additional 1.2 million euros. The rest will be paid in installments and the player arrives in Madrid on Friday. Toto is probably frantically packing away now, knowing that neither Forlan nor Kun will not be sharing their toothpaste tubes with him!

The Barca Elections are back and while the club’s vice-president, Jaume Ferrer, has declared that he wants to run for position of president this year, Joan Laporta feels “hurt to learn this from the media” instead of from Ferrer directly. “Of course we not limit the choices of anyone to be president and we have already discussed this,” Laporta said.

One interesting addition to the Barca elections if the grand-daughter of the club’s founder itself, Emma Gamper. She will be backing candidate Jaume Guixà, who is also running for presidency. “ Is a great thrill for any (of us) to have the legacy of Joan Gamper in their ranks and I have this privilege,” said Guixa.

As always… here’s a spoof from the Crackovia folks about Sandro Rosell - the club’s former director, who is also running for president. Genial!

via Reuters, El Mundo Deportivo

Ah, someone’s ego has been bruised! And it’s none other than your favourite Cabezazo or headbutter, Materazzi!! Since he’s merely shaking his legs at Inter these days, all talk of the World Cup is practically irrelevant to him. Well, not like the tournament needs a crying circus anyway.“I know where I will be on June 11, the day of the first match of the  World Cup: in my trailer traveling in America. I will not be watching the tournament (and I do not know the time (of the matches),” Materazzi declared to La Repubblica. Run along then, Cabebazo!

So Tio ThunderThighs, better known as Roberto Carlos was unveiled as an official Corinthiano alongside his own figurine yesterday. At least the figurine looked more tolerant than the man himself. Anyway, tio will now play alongside his best friend from 2002, Ronaldo Lima… and they will now proceed to spend more weekends watering plants together. “Ronaldo is not my friend, he is my brother. I lived longer with him than with my own family,” ThunderThighs said. He then added : “Listening to this mass (of people) screaming my name is creepy. The reward will be given on the field.”

Here’s another classic New Year’s eve Crackòvia episode. This one features the characters of Guti and Ramos ringing in 2010 by eating 12 grapes, dancing to techno (as usual) and dressing up in… cloaks! Espanyol’s Raul Tamudo (the same character who played Leo Messi) also enforced this tradition on his guests, Nakamura and goalie, Carlos Kameni. And if you observe Tamudo’s sofa lining carefully, it’s draped with a Real Madrid banner!

You’ve seen him flop at Bayern… but did you see the Luca Toni Going Away party that he threw before his move to Roma? Here it is! With plenty of booze and a light-headed Ribery. At least his new Roma boss, Ranieri Doubtfire loves him. “He is in better shape than I expected. He will now play against Cagliari. Roma is different with Luca Toni,” he declared.

via Reuters, TV3 and Gazetta dello Sport

• You and I know that 2010 will be a bloody exciting year for futbol - so if you aren’t counting down to the symphony of vuvuzelas in South Africa already, you’d better start inmediatamente! Happy New Year’s Day, futbolitas.

• Guess who desperately needs to start the year on a clean slate? It’s none other than… Luca Toni! After complaining about  being underused and mistreated by Mistress van Gaal at Bayern, Italy’s Most Awkward striker has now officially joined AS Roma on loan until June 30. Obviously, he’s banking on that transfer to help him get into Lippi’s World Cup squad. Oh for the love of Ranieri, is this man deluded? Someone will have to air courier us a live cactus if Luca gets called up!

• Lookey! Another Brazilian has joined Arsenal on a long-term deal. It’s the U-17 meninho, Wellington and the Gunners have bought him from Fluminense for a cool $10 million. Of course, Wellington is still considered a fetus (much like Coutinho) so he’ll remain in Brazil until he turns 18. And as they say, experience is key so he’ll have to win as much as he can with Fluminense (cue the collective snorts!) before officially becoming Denilson’s BFF in London.

• Yes, you’re looking at specially-commissioned stamps of Zizou in aid of the ELA – a European foundation against Leukodystrophy (a genetic disease which attacks the nervous system). We must say that Zizi resembles the handsome French actor types in these portraits and no, we’re not referring to Gerard Depardieu…. how dare you! Oui, des amis, Zizi’s more like the type who murders the heroine and gets away scot-free in a movie because he’s just so suave. Ah, when did it all come to this, you say? Je ne sais pas!
  



• The man who is capable of causing a fire alarm to set off at a fertility clinic aka Senhor Mourinho has declared that he’s fighting a “lost war” with Italian journalists. Awww, cari colleghi (dear colleagues) – what have you done now?! “I do not feel uncomfortable in this country. When I say I am (not loved) here, I am referring to my relationship with the media. For me, it is the fault of journalists (but) for them, it’s my fault,” he said.”In that sense, I know it is a lost war from the beginning, because journalists are many and I am only one. I lose this war, but not my independence, my way of being politically correct and always saying what I think. But I think with a little more respect we can move on.”
  

via AFP, Abola, Reuters

Bayern may have qualified for the Champs League (quello che è successo, Juve?!) but Luca Toni is saying goodbye for real, and van Gaal himself has already returned his Laura Pausini CD to the striker.

“I have nothing else to talk to Luca Toni about. He has made it clear he wants to leave Bayern Munich, therefore, he can start looking for a new club. It is too late to come up with excuses now. He should have thought about it before. He decided to behave in a (certain way) and he did not achieve what we (planned) for him and therefore, there is no more place for him in Bayern Munich,” said the coach.

According to German newspapers, West Ham, Fenerbahce, Roma and Inter Milan have shown in the attacker. And yes, he does want to go back to Italy but Luca, you do not want to incur the wrath of Jose Mourinho!

Yes, that’s Diego looking all morose and arty. And you can’t really blame him. Tipos failed to find their footing in the most important European competition. Their elimination and humiliating 4-1 loss to Bayern screams utter humiliation! What about all those purchases they made? Melooooo!!!

“It’s hard to find words because in this case there is very little to say and so much to do,” admitted Del Piero.  “There is not only one culprit, it is not who is more or less guilty. We all equally share the blame with no exceptions and we will all fight together to get out of this situation.”

Before you start getting excited over that photo (thanks Somosche), we must tell you that David Albelda’s sense of humour is pretty darn awesome. And in case you haven’t heard, he’s got the personality of a 8 year old boy whose joy can be found in a Kinder Egg.

Anyway, as ya’ll know, Real and Valencia will face off this weekend and David Silva has been ruled out of the game due to his injury. So of course, they had to ask Albelda a few cliché questions at the pre-match conference.

“We do not have Silva and we are not taking the pain in the ass every day!” Albelda declared. He was also asked about the absence of Ronaldo at the Mestalla (after receiving a double booking) The reporters laughed his response but he added fuel to the fire by saying : “Do not laugh, it’s true, dammit!”

via El Pais, Reuters, AP and Somosche

Each time one looks at Luca Toni, he or she is reminded to immediately visit a pet shop to purchase a cat comb. The word “geeky” cannot even begin to describe this poor man here. The job of a striker is always to score goals and care for your pets later, but Toni forgot this important fact when he signed for Bayern (let’s not talk about the Azzurra, amicas) and now, the boss himself, van Gaal wants him out!

“The player has indicated he wants away. Then he must look for a club,” he declared. Immediately, all the German newspapers took out their trumpets and started to play them because everyone thinks Lazy Luca’s attitude sucks and he should leave.

“I know we can’t accept his behaviour, but on the other hand there is always the possibility for men to apologise,” said Bayern’s team manager Uli Hoeness.

Meanwhile, Gangsta Gattuso pulled out one of his Italian-ego cards and refused to rule out a move to another club in the near future. Check out what he told reporters… this man should be at the opera!

“I’m Rino Gattuso and I shouldn’t have to wait until someone is injured to be able to play,” he said.

“Will I go? There’s still five or six matches to go before the Christmas break, I have to talk to the club and with (vice-president Adriano) Galliani because it’s not nice after 11 years to play only occasionally.”

Milan better keep him. No one else is going to flash his middle finger at the defenders all the way at the other end of the pitch!

via La Stampa & Gossip IT

A few of you think that we need to stop bullying Luca Toni but we beg to differ! Zio‘s worst than Raul The Great at present… and his performance at the Confeds this year were laughable at best. The circus came to town and left an acrobat behind! Anyway, in these new Fred Mello editorials, Luca’s squint into the distance is pretty awkward as opposed to Italian model’s  Marta Cecchetto‘s ferosha jacket. He looks pretty good in the rest… which will probably help to even out the expenses that Bayern reserves can’t afford to pay him. It’s like Lorenzo Lamas and GreaseDouche in one, but it works.

Also, there are rumors that he might make the switch to Milan (per favore, spare the pain!) or move to Napoli next January. The biggest joke would be if Potter Perez suddenly decides to make a bid for him. Don’t try to hide your excitement, futbolitas. Can you smell what the Luca is cooking?

via Fred Mello

Luca Toni may be a running joke in many households, including mine but you can’t help but feel un po ‘triste for the man after van Gaal ruled him out of tonight’s game against Juventus. Amicas, if Grandma F.C were on a lookout for a striker, Luca would fit the bill perfectly. Not heavyweights like Bayern, however.

“I feel fine and I am really disappointed at missing out. I truly wanted people to have a look at me against Juventus. van Gaal says I need to have a full game in my legs in order to get back into the side, so next Saturday is also out of the question. He would like for me to play again for the reserve team,” he snapped, according to Gazetto dello Sport.

Meanwhile, Buffon thinks the game will be ferosh. “Against Bayern it will be a match for those with brave hearts, it is a match that is ferocious for footballers,” he told Datasport. For a lack of a better word uncle dude…..

Photo via Reuters

We have a plane to catch in a few hours but our boys come first so let’s celebrate their 3-0 victory over the Italians! Luis Fabulouso’s superb finishing and that rather unfortunate own goal (we felt bad for laughing) means that they’ll meet South Africa for a place in the final on Thursday. The third goal happened so fast that Robinho’s goal celebrations were hard to grasp. On hindsight, it’s pretty mean to celebrate someone else’s loss but nevertheless, you have to admit that the Italians were careless and overwhelmed by Brazil’s pace and counterattack. And Luca Toni upfront (sigh…) never really posed a threat. Time and time again, we wait for him to demonstrate his usefulness to the Azzurri but he always disappoints!

Of course, the fans stole the show again and even with all the face paint stashed in our cupboard, we’d never be as creative as them. In the other game, the USA put up an impressive performance against Egypt which means they’ll meet Spain on Wednesday. Any predictions, futbolitas?

Photos : AFP

Our friend led out a shrill today upon seeing Luca Toni on the big screen. We argued that it was his 72th attempt at goal but she refused to listen!

Anyway – along with many other ninas, she will be very happy to learn that Luca Toni has vowed to ‘run naked’ down the streets if Bayern Munich reach the final (and win) the Champions League.

“The (final) in Rome will be my goal and I have many titles in my career. I’m working every day (to achieve) that. If we reach the final and win the trophy, let this be my promise : I will run naked to Marienplatz (Munich’s main square),” he said.

Oh God, what a scary thought.

Bayern’s under performing striker, Luca Toni (seriously, what does this hombre do? Pose in front of the net half the time?) may not have been included in Lippi’s World Cup Qualifying squad. However, he believes there are other better strikers than him Amauri - from Italy, no less.

“I do not know who he should choose to play for. He is an important player but besides him, there are so many good attackers who are doing well and whom I think are better than Amauri. (Marco) Di Vaio deserves much respect now because he’s doing so well in the Serie A,” he said.

And you can almost sense Toni’s cynicism in that quote…

Luca Toni and Frank Ribery will clearly make a good pair if they ever decide to take up synchronised swimming. Globo, however, calls this spectacle a Monster with Four Arms. Uh, you decide.