So Brazil’s U-17 coach, Lucho Nizzo paid a visit to the Arsenal’s Brasileiros yesterday (including Eduardo da Silva, who is now effectively a Croat….but they still love him the same!). He was apparently invited to England by his former U-15 prodigy, Denilson. The official purpose of his trip was to learn more about Arsenal’s working methods. We all know that the REAL reason Uncle Lucho came was for a taste of the infamous Brazilian soup prepared by Gilberto Silva before he left for Greek shores. Admiti-lo!
So the Messiah netted two goals (and we all know he is still the undisputed SuperStar) but everyone, please put your hands together for Bobojan who also scored in Barca’s demolition of Stuttgart last night! Buen trabajo, muchacho. Tiempo de helados!
And although the official instructions were for Messi “not to get the ball”, you know this is wishful thinking on Christian Gross’s part. Join the wagon, Gross! He ain’t gonna pass it to you, anyway, so might as well just give up and enjoy a mojito on the house.
So your favourite Brazilian Great who is approaching retirement soon aka Ronaldo Lima has gotten himself into another funny mess again. In a flight he boarded that was heading to Bogota last week, he complained that the sandwiches on board were a “misery”. Shortly after that, the flight attendant (accidentally, we’re guessing) passed him some lasagna that was meant for the pilot. “I pay a hundred real for you to leave this lasagna here,” instructed Ronaldo. The flight attendant refused and Ronaldo ended up only with the sandwich!
via Ego/AP
The Messiah struck again in last night’s demolition of Valencia and for the record, David Villa no iniciar el juego. Of course, how can you possibly deny this man (on the pitch, we mean!) Winning 3-0 was largely thanks to his hat-trick but the very charming Senor Valdes also delivered when they needed him most. Buen trabajo, tipos! On a note, Titipo Henry deserves a standing ovation for pulling his shorts like that. Spandex, anyone?!
“During the first half we have been comfortable, but then the circumstances of the side and the merits of our rivals, with Messi captivating the audience, swung the balance in their favour,” said tio Unai Emery.
You know Sepp Blatter is trying to give the Messiah dating tips there – but tipo ain’t taking it! Abuelo, you failed at the World Cup Draw and no one wants to go and watch Miss Universe tapes with you OK?! Anyway, we don’t have to tell you who the FIFA Player of the Year is because if you don’t know, go and stand by the window “immediatamente!” (we say that with Roberto Mancini’s voice).
In other news, Iniesta needs to hire a stylist as soon as possible. Last year’s fashion theme at the FIFA Gala was “Barbecued Dads” and this year is The Harley Davidson Crew goes Trick & Treating. Everyone looks pretty fierceeeee but Andres could’ve worn something other than my university jacket.
Meanwhile, someone needs to make Kaka the UN Ambassador of Peace. Everything that he says is peppered with sugar and spice and everything nice. For example : “Marta is amazing. Congratulations to her. It is the fourth year in a row. I hope she can be here for more and more years as well.” Not to forget : “Everybody talks about the Barcelona players who have won six titles, but Daniel (Alves) was the only man to win seven, because he won the Confederations Cup as well.” Kkkkkk, even Papá Noel himself is giving him evils now…
Greaseano’s like : “Imma stand right ‘ere and be cool.” Anyway, don’t forget to check out the video below where everyone is on stage enjoying the music (not really, FIFA forgot to commission dance classes for futbolistas). The Princess of Jordan is muito lindaaaa!
What is Spain’s key to beating Argentina tonight? If you believe Uncle Del Bosque, it’s being tranquilo (“even when you’re on a plane that’s about to crash…” a Brazilian reporter once told us).
“We must always be thinking about maintaining our enthusiasm, because there is no comfort zone. We must have more excitement, more effort, more desire to win every game. A World Cup is coming which is exciting for everyone but we can’t go thinking we are unbeatable,” he said. Nando Blondie is out of today’s game so David Villa is expected to start in place of him as a sole striker.
Also, The Dona has hailed Messiah - despite not being given 100% access to his hotel room… still. “He must be the owner of the team. He knows it. We have the best player in the world in our team,” your favourite coach declared. “We will give him lots of responsibility. He is doing the work that I have asked of him. I am very happy with Messi.”
Awww, we hope Kun is not writhing with envy now. Siéntate, papá!
Move along now pessoas, there’s nothing dodgy about Messiah’s Barcelona contract. So stop flashing him mean, accusatory looks!
Apparently, FIFPro weren’t too happy about Senor Laporta and his bow-tie wearing ways. They’re questioning the validity of the contract, which binds tipo here to the club till 2015. Are you kidding? We’ll be 92 years old by then.
“The renewal contract (Messi) was held in full compliance with state labor law and in accordance with Article 18.2 of the Regulation on the Status and Transfer of Players from FIFA, which allows employment contracts longer than five years where, as in this case, the local law permits,” said the club.
Barca folks have also stressed that the contract “strictly respects the law and, more specifically, the provisions applicable arising in relation to duration of contract and unilateral termination clause.”
And with that, we invite the world’s best vocalist, Greaseano Gaga, to sing for ya…
So The Dona and gang have a mission to qualify for the World Cup. And obviously a place in South Africa is muy importante! As you can see, he probably cracked a ball joke in the photo above and Kind Messiah decided that it would’ve only been polite if he laughed along. The Pied Piper of Higuain, however, could not be arsed.
Meanwhile, Argentinean newspapers are alleging that he will quit (no matter the outcome) after these two upcoming games against Peru and Uruguay.
Anyway, The Dona wanted Carlos Bilardo to travel to Manchester to pressure Tevez and Zabaleta from playing against Aston Villa yesterday – which eventually happened. Zabaleta then arrived to join the Argentinean team with an injury and has resulted in The Dona having to improvise, find another player to replace Zanetti. All this has angered el tio.
“After these two games, I’ll see if I continue (with Argentina) and I will evaluate (what has happened),” he said. “At the time, Julio called me to his house and offered me the job, I said it was the happiest guy in the world. But then, there were things that I didn’t like and to continue (as coach), my conditions will have to be met,” he said.
Fotos de Reuters, AP
Foto de R.Ribeiro
What a way to celebrate Independence Day in Brazil today (seriously, it’s a mark of a true footballing nation) : by trouncing the Argies 3-1 and qualifying for South Africa! Vamos então!!
Although the midfield still needs a little bit more effort (Ei Andre Santos, o que está fazendo, cara?!), tipos were lucky that Veron was the only pirate doing all the work (and he still couldn’t keep up). Mascherano was too busy marking Kaka – who kept rolling all over the pitch – and Carlos Tevez was nowhere near his best. Fabulouso’s goals also deserve to be inducted into the Wall of Fame. Tipo is the Man of the Moment and his finishing was pure class!
In the end, Argentina’s backline had only themselves to blame for allowing resident joker Luisão’s header in. It was a move that was practised countless of times in Granja Comary under the watchful eye of Dunga – a free kick taken by Elano, received by the tall defender and aptly slotted in. Gabriel Heinze Ketchup could’ve asked for fries with that.
Ironically, September 5 has proven to be an unlucky date for the Albicelestes. They opened their 1994 WC Campaign on the same day by losing to Colombia in a painful 5-0 defeat. Now the same date will be remembered for awarding their biggest rivals entry to the World Cup. Did you see that look on The Dona’s face as he bit his nails anxiously? He’s yet to bring out the best of the Messiah, but for now, that’s probably the least of his worries….
via GettyImages
Yes Kun Aguero, we know you’d like three additional kids in future with The Dona but lighten up lady!!! Messiah is unimpressed and you’d best leave all the petty family talk off the pitch.
Anyway, the Argentinean tipos have started their training sessions under the watchful eye of Kun’s suegro. And already, Messiah has isolated himself from the rest of the team (naturally). He sleeps in a five star hotel with an entourage comprised of his brothers Rodrigo and Matías as well as a Barca rep, Juanjo Brau. He doesn’t watch TV or listen to music, said Argentinean journalists, but spends his time on PlayStation instead. The football association claim that they “don’t want to isolate him completely” – but they seem to be doing exactly that.
“It’s harder to talk to Leo than Obama,” joked The Dona. Or maybe it’s just a tactic by the Albicelestes to get our hombres to relax about the prospect of facing a lethal Messiah. Não, não!
via AP
Enfiiiiim, the Champions League draw has been made…. and holy Mother of Kun, it screams IRONY! Real have been grouped with Milan (and hence, the “What-is-Kaka-going-to-do-at-the-San-Siro” theories have started) while Barca will face Inter in a game where Ibracadabra and Eto’o go head to head in a mind-blowing game of Futbol Swap. Meanwhile, the English clubs have been granted relatively easy groups (apart from Chelski).
At the ceremony – which both Luis Figo and Romario attended (Mamma mia!) – UEFA’s top accolades were also given out. Of course the Messiah cemented his spot by winning both the UEFA Player of the Year and Best Forward award. Xavi won Best Midfielder (it could’ve been Iniesta too), John Terry took the Best Defender award while teammate Van der Sar won Best Goalkeeper. PARABENS A TODOS!
Now futbolitas, time to prep yourselves for September.
via Reuters
Poor Messi. He didn’t feature in Argentina’s 3-2 win over Moscow (thankfully, no Russian was reported to have called The Dona a ‘witch’) but Messssiah is so forward-thinking that he’s already asked Pep to “rest him” for the La Liga opener against Sporting Gijon – so that he can concentrate on the Brazil game.
“I’m quiet and I am well. When I felt the pain, I was a little scared but now I hope I can play. But it is clear that we’ve just started the season and prevention is better than being injured for a long time,” he said.
The player arrived back in Barcelona yesterday with his physiotherapist, Juanjo Brau and Espanyol’s Nico Pareja. He will go for a medical to determine his availability for the Spanish Supercopa against Athletic Bilbao next week.
via Ole
.. And so are we, but he’s the coach of the Albicelestes so he’d better suck it in! Anyway, is it just us or does tipo over here appear to be packing the pounds? Don’t tell us he’s been eating Benjie’s portions too…
Anyway, The Dona walked into the press conference room yesterday looking visibly worried about the state of things. The Argies are scheduled to play Russia later today and his favorite tipo, Messi, injured himself during training.
“We’re a dream team with Messi and he’s hurt. It’s tough, it’s tough because you want to create a team where you feel comfortable and I cannot handle (it),” Maradona said, as if to justify his annoyance.
He’s only freaking out because Argentina will meet Brazil next month and for that, he needs to field a full-strength squad.
“I’m a witch because I told (the AFA) that this squad should not be playing a pre-match friendly,” The Dona said. “They did not want to postpone it. This is not life threatening and we could’ve played the game after the World Cup qualifiers. The Russians are not going to kill us or hit us on the street for postponing it.”
via Gettyimages Sport
Look at the gap between Titipo and Bojan….. awkward! And you know Dani Alves is checking out Pinto’s abs instead of paying attention to this hastily assembled team photo. ATENÇÃO, GENTE!
Anyway, Barca played a friendly against Seattle Sounders yesterday and unsurprisingly, the Messiah stole the show and netted in a double for himself. Jeffren Suarez and Pedro Rodriguez scored one each in the second half to seal the deal. Porque, y’know they’re Barca and can do whatever they want. Interestingly, a record crowd of 66,848 turned up at the Xbox Pitch to see them.
“You see (Messi) on TV. I see him every day. He is the best in the world not only for his youth, but also for his ability to dominate all aspects of the game,” Pep Guardiola told reporters after the game.
And does anybody remember Pro-stretch underwear model Freddie Ljungberg? Even he couldn’t believe what he was seeing… “It was an absolute lesson and hopefully a pleasure for the fans to see how the best team in the world plays,” Pro-stretch said after the game.
Despite Argentina’s 0-2 loss to Ecuador at Quito last night, The Dona insists that his team were the better side. Contrary to our previous Baby Anthem report, Messi did play in this game. Tevez, unfortunately, failed to convert a crucial penalty in the first half with a weak shot that should be banished from eternity!
Gago Gaga also squandered the team’s final chance at a goal, but the same could not be said about Ecuador’s goal heroes, Ayoví and Pablo Palacios! No matter what The Dona says, it’s about making the best of your chances in the game, really.
“In the first half, the Ecuadorians did nothing. And in the second, football gave away ‘two goals’ to them. One should not think only about this game, we must remember that this team played at a (high altitude). We must win in Brazil,” declared The Dona. You can almost imagine the great beam of white light shining from behind as he said this during the press conference.
As usual, the loco supporters stole the show. Enjoy the photos!
Photos : AFP
The Albicelestes are training hard to prepare for this Saturday’s qualifier against Columbia. The Dona called up everyone from Veron to his son-in-law Kun to the squad. Oh, we’re not kidding about that one.
On the other hand, Messiah wants you to know that it’s ‘rude’ to compare him to Maradona.
“There is only one Maradona. There will never be another one or even an equal,” he said. “It’s a sign of disrespect when people compare me to Diego.”
Ok, it’s vital to say things like these to earn points with The Dona. No one steps over his head!
“I love playing alongside Sergio Aguero and Carlos Tevez,” Messi added. “We have the quality in the national team to make something big happen.
So the Barca jugadores and Pep boarded the World’s Coolest Bus at the moment (and it definitely ain’t this one) as it paraded on the streets of Barcelona. Each player was introduced to the crowd that had welcomed them at the Nou Camp and as expected, Messi received the loudest reception.
Xavi looks utterly wasted, Pique lives up to his dancing king reputation, Titipo and Eto’o are at it again saluting one another with deranged facial expressions, Iniesta dressed himself up in the dark and Dani Alves is showin’ some getto love, ya’ll! Let’s not forget Puyolita and your Jailbait Fav BOJAN, who is enjoying his munchies. There’s so much love everywhere – and you can experience it for yourself in the video and photos below.
In the end, the better team won. Barca were by far the superior ones who took advantage of United’s weak midfield and a lack of initiative from the likes of Anderson last night. Although they needed time to get into the game, Barca found their pace thanks to the brilliant Iniesta. Eto’o found a fantastic angle to shoot from, shaking his marker off and slotting in a shot past Van der Sar.
And did you guys see the class act that is Leo Messi last night?! Xavi’s pinpoint cross for Messi was perfect for him to convert and the Argentinean duly converted, cementing his position as the tournament’s top scorer this season. And the ruthless Valdes (will Del Bosque please call him up to the national team already? What the hell is going on here?!) showed that he is probably the best keeper in Spain now.
We were yelling our heads off next to the Catalan-bred Barca fans at a pub for Pep to field Bobojan but unfortunately, that didn’t happen. “Where’s Ronaldo? Where is he? Go Ronaldo! He will score now. A hat trick I think!” cried a sarcastic Spaniard to a United-fan on our left, while dancing. “Nereida Gallardo is on her way to cheer you up, Ron! Tonight! ” added our friend. It was pure delirium to the point where we felt sad for the United fans.
“United are very good, but tonight they came up against another great team,” said Puyol after the game. “We worked very hard and they didn’t make our life easy, but if we wanted to win tonight we knew we had to battle.”
Added Samuel Eto’o : “I think United were very surprised by using Leo [Messi] as an attacking midfielder and I hope our fans will now celebrate, because they really deserve it.”
Photos : AP & Getty Images
Messiah’s bitchface in that photo must be a result of all those Hair Grease questions he’s been fielding all day. Anyway, the Barca squad have arrived in Rome and were welcomed by hordes of photographers and fans waiting at the entrance of the hotel. Oh, how glorious!
“Manchester United have quality everywhere. So many good players. But if I had to pick one out it would be Ronaldo. We must not pay all attention to him and forget about Berbatov, Rooney and Carlos Tevez,” said Messi.
And it’s Celebrations Galore today for Barcelona! The Copa Del Ray winners literally crushed Bilbao 4-1 last night in front of their fans at the Mestella, thanks to splendid goals from Toure, Messi, Bobojan and Xavi. In case you didn’t catch the game, there are extensive highlights below and of course, the fotos.
Barca are now one step closer to a historic treble – a feat that no other Spanish team has achieved. And if they emerge overall European Champions and defeat ForeignChester United’s later this month, they’ll certainly make it into the history books.
“You never know how the team will respond going down so early in a final against an opponent who are so clearly up for it, but I have a fantastic and extraordinary squad and I congratulate everyone, not just a player,” said Pep after the game.
“We are very happy and I am especially pleased because the team has shown the willingness to put in the hard work needed to be successful, not just on the field but also on the training ground before and after hard games.”
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