Fútbolita

If not for this merciless tongue ulcer we’re suffering from today, we’d be screaming “POR FIN YA ES VIERNES!” into the gardener’s ears. Unfortunately, like the sulky Giampaolo on the far end of the photo above, there’s nothing to rave about. Unless you’re a certain Italian stallion named Marco Boriello, who did the right thing by makin’ that move to Roma. There was absolutely no way he was going to stick around the Milanello dressing room playing chess with Pippo Inzaghi next season.

(Photo via O Dia)

Since so many of you are asking, here’s a photo of Douchie of the year, Pato and his new girlfriend, photographed in San Marcos, Italy! It was his birthday yesterday, so both of them took the gondola and stayed at a hotel which costs $3000 for two nights. Kaching! Galliani footed the bill, obviously.

And as we wait around for the weekly Panico na TV and CQC shows to return to our screens, here’s a completely irrelevant and hilarious video of the zany Sabrina Sato interviewing the fetus from another world, Justin Bieber. This one will make your day, we assure you!

via O DIA, EGO, Correire dello sport

So obviously, Uncle Fester Galliani masterminded the whole Ibra to Milan transfer, and the man himself arrived last night at the Milan-Lecce game. Basically, the oldies in the team like SuperPippo said “NO, GRAZIE!” to their new teammate by doing well in that 4-0 victory. The other three goals came from the Brasileiros, e claro! Two from Pato and his Badass face, and one from Thiago Silva (or as our amiga says, “T.I. Silva”). So why do they need Ibra, again?!

And apparently, the Interistis don’t really care about Ibra going back to the ‘other team’. But you’ll only know the truth when the Milan derby takes place and everybody starts burning the stadium seats again and/or sending empty pasta packets to Moratti’s office, which will make him really pissed.

via Reuters/AFP

AC Milan were recently in USA as part of their preseason duties, and Futbolita was thrilled to hear from Eliza Wood (above, with a special message to us!) about her thrilling experience meeting the Rossoneri boys at the University of Michigan.

In what she called the “opportunity of a lifetime”, Liza was given the chance to attend the squad’s training session thanks to her brother. “Being Italian, football is everything.  Games are constantly on the television and watching them is always a family affair. My older brother, an avid AC Milan fan, has had a huge influence on me and my love for football.  I attended almost all of his games growing up, and now he plays at the University of Michigan,” she explained. Fresca!

As usual, Gangsta’ Gattuso made sure even the camera felt intimidated while Pato gave his million dollar smile and gamely posed and chatted with chica over here.

“Living in America, opportunities such as these do not present themselves often so this was extra special! AC Milan held a closed practice at a University near my house, so my brother, his girlfriend and I went to check it out.  After they were finished, we had the exciting chance of meeting the team.  With my Italian background, I was able to chat with players such as Gattuso and Pato, who were all so genuine and kind. Meeting Pato could possibly be the highlight of my summer!

“Two days later my family and I attended their game vs. Panathinaikos.  Seeing so many people in attendance was surprising, due to the fact that football is not extremely popular in the United States.  The game was exhilarating, going into penalty kicks after regulation time.  It was a great night.  Meeting and watching I Rossoneri play on American soil was one of the best memories of my summer!” – Liza Wood

All photos © Eliza Wood

What a great day for Neymar! It was his debut for the selecao, and he delivered as promised to the people of Brasil! Hedgehog hairdo scored in a fitting 2-0 victory against the United States. E claro, the other goal was courtesy of Pato whom many of you have missed watching for Brasil. E hora de comemora because it’s a new squad, and we definitely like the style that was on display last night. Fast, free, flowing football that was demonstrated by three attackers – Ganso, Robinho and Neymar – who are Santos’ bros!

In addition, it was also a great start for Manoooo, whom we all know will be facing pressure in the lead up to 2014. He’s already declared that his priority is to make Brasil a more offensive team, which means we won’t be seeing much of Dopey’s ultra-defensive techniques and more exciting stuff from all these caras. And as for Neymar, he knows he’s got it… just take a look at his pose below. Work it!

“The performance was the result of the technical quality of the players. It was facilitated by the (fielding) of three players who work together at Santos. What we did in the two training sessions, mainly on Sunday, was to give a tactical organization, in terms of positioning, which enabled the technical quality to excel,” said Mano after the game.

Parabéns meninos!

via Terra, Gettyimages

Welcome to day 2 of Mano’s Seleção Bootcamp in New Jersey! The image above exudes so much ego that you can even smell Jersey Shore’s resident douche The Situation from ten miles away. Andre (right far end) is dying to know about Pato’s divorce pension but tipo ain’t saying anything for now. Seriously guys, quit the gossip…. concentrar-se na formação!

Anyway, the schedule remained the same yesterday, with some running drills, ball exercises and press calls. No word yet on who’s bunking with who, but you can be assured that Neymar, Ganso and Andre are living the Bro Life and watch episodes of Glee while feasting on popcorn. And since they’re in Jersey Shore, the bell boy probably kept his eyes open for some Snookin’.

As for Curly Fries da Silva, he miraculously recovered from food poisoning and took a later flight to join the squad! Look, he even offered autographs at the hotel lobby. Rafael had better have taken his Futbolita shirt along with him in his luggage. Cos’ that’s the way we roll, OK?

The friendly against the United States will be tomorrow, and our amigas in Brazil tell us that they will not be telecasting the game. Gasp! That’s despicable. This sounds like a job for the CQC crew!

via Terra Brasil, R.Ribeiro

BEM-VINDO to the Selecao Bootcamp, and as we always say, it’s a “tradition of Futbolita’s!” The guys have arrived in Jersey Shore (fist pump!) to train for the friendly against the United States scheduled for tomorrow. Mano Menezes wasted no time and made sure everyone HEARD what he had to say, which obviously meant no late nights and focus, focus, focus!

As always, manos divided themselves into two groups and got to work immediately. This time, there was no gym conditioning (oh damn) and everybody took to the field. Victor, Daniel Alves, Thiago Silva, David Luiz, André Santos, Lucas, Ramires, Ganso and Robinho were in the grey shirts while Henrique, Rever, Marcelo, Ederson,  Neymar, André and Tardelli played with orange vests. And for those of you who were wondering about Rafael Fetus Da Silva, he’s now recovering from food poisoning, so he was unable to answer the call-up.  Que pena!

Anyway, here’s David Luiz getting all brotherly with the trio of Neymar, André and Ganso. They’re all the faces of 2014, so he’d better pick his side soon before it gets too late!

Fotos de R.Ribeiro

Ok, forgive us for the lack of a creative title, but like Neymar, we’re kind of surprised at Manoooo Menezes’ 24-man squad for the USA friendly on August 10th. With so many new faces for Seleção Bootcamp, everyone needs to attend Orientation Camp ASAP!  Meninos like Rafael Curly Fries da Silva, Ganso, Pato and (drumroll) Hernanes, also finally received their call-ups after waiting on it forever. This is not to say that all of them deserved it (Lucas??), but it’s a nice technique to soothe the Brazilian public who can’t shut the image of defeat from their minds.

Rafaelito knows it, and he will be throwing a bitchface – like the one below – if you do not agree that he deserved the call-up. Seriously, enough of PS3 and barbecuing in Manchester… it’s time for the real deal. Hopefully, Fabio isn’t jealous because sibling rivalry is hilarious!

FULL SQUAD
Goalkeepers: Victor (Gremio), Renan (Avai), Jefferson (Botafogo)

Defenders: Daniel Alves (Barcelona), Rafael (Manchester United), Andre Santos (Fenerbahce), Marcelo (Real Madrid), David Luiz (Benfica), Henrique (Racing), Rever (Atletico-MG), Thiago Silva (Milan)

Midfielders: Sandro (Internacional), Ramires (Benfica), Lucas (Liverpool), Jucilei (Corinthians), Ganso (Santos), Ederson (Lyon), Hernanes (Sao Paulo), Carlos Eduardo (Hoffenheim)

Forwards: Robinho (Santos), Diego Tardelli (Atletico-MG), Alexandre Pato (Milan), Andre (Santos), Neymar (Santos)

Photos via Gettyimages/Reuters

A fellow futbolita mentioned how much of a douche Pato has seemingly MORPHED into lately, from refusing to give his ex-wife Sthefany (above) a cent of his multimillion dollar fortune to apparently barring her from talking to her parents and cutting off her credit card! Ok, the latter is completely understandable, but the former? Que ridículo!

Anyway, after she finally left Milan to return to Brazil, they’ve been battling over how much she should be receiving. Judge Maria Cristina de Lima Brito from the first Family Court has decided that Sthefany should receive 20% of Pato’s income every month, which amounts up to $130,000. A lawyer from Sao Paulo also said that “It’s not common to give such sentences to healthy people who can resume work with ease, as in Sthefany’s case.”

Oh well… this is escandaloso!! As for Pato, here he is blowing a vuvuzela at the opening of Nike’s community Football Training Center in Soweto, South Africa earlier this month. The center will give 20,000 young footballers a year the chance to develop their football talent while also having access to HIV/AIDS education. Everyone looked thrilled!

Photos via NIKE, Roberto Filho

Look, it’s the two forgotten Brazilian manos from Milan! The question is… who will be called up this week?

Anyway, the Rossoneri succumbed to another loss in the league yesterday afternoon, and Genoa was the villain in this sad, sad Serie A campaign. It’s really tragic to see Milan’s performance this season… they need to recuperate themselves over the season break, buy new players, change the system, risolvere il problema! Well, at least they’ll be in the Champions League next season but whether or not Leonardo remains coach is a mystery.

Well, about that, he said : “I’m very attached to Italian football, I’ve been here for thirteen years and I am sorry to see that every game has become like ancient Rome with gladiators in the Coliseum,” said Leonardo. “We should avoid certain issues which do not contribute to the quality of the show, there is a limit, we need to change the environment.”

So a flurry of messages have been hitting us nonstop after these photos from Vanity Fair’s World Cup issue leaked last night. And hello there ropa interior (underwear!) As we speak, the USA futbolitas all agree that Landon Donovan’s bizarre pose hinges on “unforgivable”.  We’re also sure the rest of you are getting ‘stars’ (literally) from Muntari and Eto’o. As for Pato, we’re pretty sure he won’t be picked by Dopey so that pose will have to do for now! você gosta?

For the love of MouMou… Diving Drogba next to a grinning Greaseano with clashing colours isn’t the best of ideas. Annie Leibovitz should have known better and placed Kaka on the front cover instead! All you need to sell copies is to put the Madrid Bromance on your cover and you’ve got it Finito, éxito!! And yes futbolitas, more updates to come soon.

via Vanity Fair

Ok futbolitas, it’s Friday and news of an impending Sthefany-Pato divorce has been going around for a week, so we decided to get confirmation although Sthef’s folks have been saying “Unfortunately, we can’t talk about her personal life“ to us repeatedly. For now, Pato’s folks have confirmed the divorce, although many believe he is currently the biggest of douchebags.

“Alexandre told me that the paperwork to officialize the divorce was being tended (to) by the lawyers and that divorce is the way it has to be,” said Senhor Gilmar, his agent.

The saddest part about all this was the gorgeous wedding they held at the Copacabana palace last year. Where will she keep the wedding album now?!! And hanging out with The Dinho will not exactly get Pato into the selecao. Furthermore, it’s not fair to Sthefany… she “dropped everything in Brazil – family, friends and work – to live with him abroad.” Douche!

Porrrr fin! The Barca boys have FINALLY arrived in Milan after a grueling 1,000km journey by bus. It took almost 24 hours for Puyolita and co’ to arrive and they even had to make a pit stop at Cannes to sleep at a hotel there. After all that, Barca are now pretty annoyed with UEFA (who wouldn’t be?!) for being inflexible about the dates which they believe to be in ‘favour’ of Inter. Well, as long as they showed ‘Iron Man’ in 3-D on board the bus with chips and empanados… right, DJ Pique?

Anyway, tonight’s game between Inter and Barca will certainly be an interesting one… especially since the mind games have already started! Flattery gets you places, don’t you know that, MouMou?

“We face a great team in Inter, whose coach is arguably the best in the world,” said Senor Pep. “He has won titles in Portugal, England and Italy. It is an honour to face him.”

Since all of you love Sthefany and Pato a little too much, here’s a little hot gossip fresh off the tabloids stands in Brazil! (obrigada Mari) Quem, the nation’s equivalent of OK! magazine, has alleged that the couple’s marriage is on the rocks because they keep arguing about Pato’s late nights out with none other than The Dinho. She’s also bored because there’s nothing to do in Milan and her work contract in Brazil expires in May.

“Without (games to play), he is free, does not have much to do and he is proving to be undisciplined with everything. It is clear that this has also happened in his marriage,” said a friend of the Milan striker.

“He feels ‘down’ because the chances of being summoned to the Brazilian national team for the World Cup are slim. So, he’s a new kid who’s discouraged, unoccupied, but with money in Europe … you could also lose your head (in his position).”

Ummm, The Dinho isn’t exactly the best role model to emulate. So Pato better stop being a MINI DOUCHE and hang out with Clarence Seedorf’s family instead! Here’s a photo of Sthef posing for an Italian magazine ala Audrey Hepburn.

via Ego, Quem, AP, Gettyimages

Let’s take a moment to light a candle simply because these men of Serie A are too ferosha for words and all of you are going to need Eye Drops every soon (except the hombres because Megan Fox didn’t RVSP to this!) Anyway, because they’re not exactly doing anything important these days, Uncle Galliani summoned the Rossoneri to turn up at the First Annual Champions Gala for the “Champions For Children” Foundation last night.

As always, Flamini looks like he’s completely out of it, Boriello’s Jersey Shore hair made a special appearance and Pato got himself a new blackberry! Onde está a nossa menina, Sthefany?!

via Reuters and Gettyimages

Adriano is finally settling down! Of course, compared to fetuses like Pato, his impending marriage to samba dancer (naturally), Joana Machado seems a little unexpected. She’d better be careful, because he was supposed to marry Cassia Menega last year... and look what happened.

Anyway, their wedding is scheduled to take place in Buzios, Rio, in May later this year. Adriano is apparently being overprotective these days and has not allowed Joana to leave the house. She hasn’t even been “to the gym in three months” and “really misses the beach”. O que ela está falando?! Knowing Adriano, it’s not like she isn’t getting any workout in the house…

via Ego

Oooh, looks like we have a case of the Forgotten Homems here at the Milan-Lazio game last night! The Dinho’s son is chomping on a hot cross bun given to him by Uncle Galliani.…  Nãooooo, ficar longe!

And yes, the Italian Stallion, Marco Boriello also scored for Milan in this 1-1 draw. Stai arrossendo? abbastanza! (You’re blushing? stop it!)

via AFP

Why so serious, tipo? Worrying about when Dopey will call you up next? Não se preocupe, ele ainda está pensando … and yes, there isn’t much change to the official ‘camisa da selecao’ although Pato claims that it’s a lot lighter in texture. “It really looks good and the body and material greatly facilitates the attacker,” he said. Manos will also be wearing it for the first time next week against Ireland and if you’d like to see the blue shirt, it was launched at Carnaval and looks like this!

Also, our fashion amigos are going to love the fact that this year’s Copa del Mundo jerseys are all made from plastic bottles! Yes, approximately EIGHT bottles were used to make each jersey. How ingenious!

Lastly, the Brazilian press are speculating that Pato looks pissed because he was picked as an ‘emergency option’ for the event in London. Fabulouso, Dani Alves, Adriano and Robinho were not released by their respective teams and feared The Dinho’s appearance would cause a controversy. Esta é a fofoca!

via Nike, Gettyimages, AFP

Don’t you think that Signore Borriello is a carbon copy of Roberto Baggio from that angle? Naturally, all he needs to do is to grow out that hair and he can start to make special appearances at the flower festival with it! Mamma mia, could these two be long lost gemelli (twins)?

Anyway, everyone’s excited and preparing their sandwiches with more gusto now because once again, The Dinho put in an excellent performance against Bari last night! Besides Baggio’s Twin, El Pato also netted in the other penalty and also remembered to shave his Wolverine beard off. Desculpe, mas você ainda não estão na seleção…. (sorry but you are still not going to the selecao)

Speaking of the seleção, please don’t interrupt Diego and Amauri as they perform the Dança Bandeira (flag dance). Tipos were working their HIPS off as they celebrate Juve’s neat 2-1 win over Bologna last night! Who cares if they were ignored by Dopey or Lippy in their respective national teams? It was time to celebrate!

So unless you’ve been dancing to the sounds of Ne-Yo with Sepp Blatter all month long, you’d know that tonight’s Champions League fixture will be one of the most exciting ones of the season. It’s the showdown between il Rossoneri & NaniUnited!

The bad news is they always photograph the visiting teams when they come to the San Siro, but gracias a Dios we have a couple of the Milanistas training on their own including El Pato’s raver shoe. You know you’ll be able to spot that colour in the dark…. all he needs now are a couple of glow sticks and the look is complete!

Senhor Leoooonardo has stressed the importance of focus in today’s game. That’s right tipos, ya’ll better CONCENTRATE and the last thing Pallone d’Oro (Golden Balls) Beckham needs to do is to get emotionally attached….and he already is! ánimo!!!

“We must be almost perfect, flawless. I want to see the same performance I saw at Real Madrid during the group stage; I think that was our best game this season and when we played the best football. We must repeat that,” said Leonardo.