Fútbolita

Obviously David Maravilla has nothing to do with Zlatan Ibracadabra’s fickle-minded nature, but the fact that he’s waltzing past you in a pink shirt should be enough to start us all of to a good note, bubblegum and all.

Apparently, Milan are very excited at the prospect of getting Ibracadabra and his nose to the club, but Barca have refused to talk unless they get ‘one of their players’ in return. Quién? you say. The three names are Pirlo, Pato or Thiago Silva. The last two seem highly unlikely but knowing Barca, they’re not going to settle for has-beens. To be a Blaugrana, you’d better BRING it to the table!

And as for the abundance of pinkness in this post, you know what they say…

Photos via Reuters, EL Pais

Happy Friday! Oh, Gracias a dios… we’re glad to have reached the end of this week in particular and we hope you’re getting ready to kick off your shoes (even if it’s for a few hours), wherever you may be!

Well, at least the Crackovia boys are here again (as always) to bring the laughs. This time, both the Madrid and Barca characters come together to sing about the “one point difference” that separates them. Barca remain optimistic about their chances of winning, which is why they’re singing to the tune of “I will Survive”. molt graciós!

Oh Pep, he’s totally saying “What dicha say about my PUYOLITA?” to that periodista huddled in the corner! And you’d better not mess, Lyon, because Barca know exactly what they want tonight and will probably go get it at the Nou Camp while singing “Cesc On!”

“Of course we can lose as Madrid did, without a doubt. It’s a huge challenge to make it to the quarter-finals, [to be] among Europe’s best, to equal Manchester United in reaching the quarter-finals for the third successive time. The team deserves the stadium to be absolutely full, I want the fans to back the team because we’re much stronger with them behind us,” declared Pep.

Speaking of Puyolita, here he is enjoying the morning sprinklers…. Lovely day, isn’t it?

via Reuters, AFP

So it looks like Rojiblancos have done Potter Perez and friends a favour by handing Barca their first defeat of the season. No no estés triste… there’s nothing to panic about yet, Los Cules, because no one expected you to be invincible. 22 wins without losing is still magnífico! Anyway, the Madridistas are thrilled because Jersey Shore reject Simão and Diego Forlan’s vampire eyes scored two goals to send Pep and co’ on the first trip out of Vicente Calderon. Looking at the last photo below, Simao remembered not to look into the Messiah’s eyes and successfully contained him in their 2-1 win.

A great moral boost for Atletico… they’ve been mulling on this for the longest time. Time to thrill the fans, tipos!

via Reuters

Members of an Italian mafia group have been arrested after police uncovered their plans to abduct none other than Senhor Mourinho! What were they thinking? He’d win them all over in quindici minuti! “Giovanni, I like your spirit but you are not listening to me no? I asked you to shave off your beard on Thursday. I don’t like these things. To become European Champion, you must do it or we don’t talk about it,” he’d say while making the table in a spare Lazio shirt.

Anyway, the authorities found strong traces of wiretapping, photos and the coach’s home address in one of the mafia’s homes in Genoa. Gattuso was cleared of all charges, however, after being found cutting his fish in his restaurant while listening to Andrea Bocelli.

So all eyes will be on Dopey today as he prepares to announce the seleção that’ll face Ireland next month. Everyone’s wondering about The Dinho but unless he stops himself from hitting all of Milan’s hot spots with Boriello and starts showing some discipline, there’s no chance for a return. Dopey is all about discipline and consistency so never cross the line or he’ll scream “vá embora!” and that’s the end of you.

And as for the list of strikers, El Pato has been nursing an injury for 24,241 years so he might not make it. Nilmar has been average (at best) for Villarreal so he might be left out. Fabulousoooo and Robinho will probably get the green light since boot camp ain’t the same without them.

Pep’s legacy, Crackovia style – what else do you need to know about it?!

Last but not least, Ricardo over here would like to tell all his fan girls not to worry about his sports hernia problem. Instead, they should finish all their homework and eat on time. Who are we kidding? The best FanGirl breed still belongs to the Kakazetes!

“I feel good. The sports hernia does not bother me any more. It has disappeared, but I still need to do specific recovery work like any injured player does. Last week it was rumored that it is a chronic problem which isn’t true. It isn’t just in Spain where there has been talk about me not being able to return to my old form. It also happened in Brazil and Italy, but it simply isn’t true.”

Yes, you can always count on the Crackòvia characters to quell your midweek misery. With these guys around, you know that you’re guaranteed to have a laugh. This time, check out this skit centered on Senor Pep and contract renewal with Barca. Or better still, Laporta’s INSANE reaction to the news as he breaks into a sing-and-dance! Oh amigas, these men deserve an academy award for their facial expressions alone. GAUDEIX! (enjoy)

Senor Pep attended a concert to celebrate his birthday with his family on Monday, and there was no diva-like behaviour or anything of that sort! Instead, the ever humble coach enjoyed Manel’s concert in the presence of 2,100 fans. In case you were wondering, they are a pretty cool acoustic band from Barcelona.

As expected, the members of Manel singled Pep out in the audience and said : “Happy Birthday, Guardiola. How nice of you to celebrate it here!” and the coach raised his arms to thank them. But that wasn’t all. They went on to say : “We only want one thing, that Guardiola renews his contract. Visca el Barça!” Watch the whole performance below – it must feel damn good to have a whole auditorium cheering for ya! Senor Pep deserves it.

Ah Señor Pep, there’s no need to start worrying! It’s only January – no one’s in the mood to start work yet, everyone’s still eating chocolates under the sheets and throwing snow balls at one another. So it’s time to chill and learn from your two amigos in Italy, Mourinho and Leoooonardo. Together, the three of them make up the Poised Posse and that club is strictly off limits to you, Uncle Fester Galliani!

Anyway, all you have to do is to believe Sergi Busquets, who says that Barca should “isolate” all their criticism, following their two losses in the La Liga and Copa del Ray. He’s probably right – they’ve won six trophies and even the chocolates that Laporta ordered from Belgium have yet to arrive!

“We’ve only been two games without a win. But we’re in three competitions, with only the Copa del Rey (being tricky) and you can not ask for more. We must be patient and be united, because at this stage of the season, nothing is decided. I am convinced that the results will come soon.”

Photos via Reuters

Ok, so it isn’t just Bobojan Babe who is making up that sullen face for the cameras. The Barca boys – who must be exhausted – have arrived in Abu Dhabi to compete in the World Club Championships. La Liga’s Christmas break has officially commenced which means that Gonzalo Higuain has already started his shopping for The Dona but unfortunately, all that will have to wait for the likes of the Messiah.

Senor Pep didn’t bother to hide it at all. “We’re tired and it must be noticeable. We’re going to train a little, rest as much as possible and see if we can win (the World Club Championship),” he said. Added Iniesta : “This year we have won every competition we have been in, this is the only one left for us to win. This is enough to give us 100 percent motivation. Most of the other sides are unknown to us, but we must remember they are still the champions of their respective regions.”

Anyway, don’t forget to check out photos of the Messiah receiving the Ballon d’Or from his mother. Very sweet, but the resemblance between those two…. uncanny, isn’t it?

via Reuters, AFP

Barca fans must be yelling “Ibracadabra Cha Cha!” all the way to work or school today… and yes, they have ever reason to be muy feliz. Look Madridistas, you cannot afford to have a finishing rate of 0.01 on a night as big as this and it was obvious that tipos like Marcelo Mastercard (no wonder he has been ignored by Dopey) were already thinking of Ibiza. We must say that allowing Benzema Bon Bon to watch episodes of Père et maire on the bench instead of starting the game cost the team greatly. Pipita already said he connects well with the man, so what was misty-eyed Pellegrini thinking?

Anyway, neither team really dominated the game but Barca capitalized on their chances first and in el futbol, you know what you get when that happens. It was nice to see everyone hugging in the tunnel (although there was no such love between Wedgiellas and Valdes, esta bien).

Well, Greaseano showed glimpses of his qualities in the first half, but decided that it was all too much when he suddenly had a revelation from Mama Leopard Dolores. Said Ramos the Raver :“These matches are decided by small details, and we didn’t take advantage when we had the chance. They did. It’s time to turn the page. We are confident knowing that we played well and that we tried our best.”

Added the wise and Senor Pep: “This was a very good test. It’s always difficult against Madrid but even more so when you go in as favourite and them as a big underdog. That’s when Madrid is most dangerous.”

via Reuters, AFP, AP

• Senor Pep, who looks exhausted from having to bring his daughters to the horrid premiere of New Moon over the weekend wants you to know that even without the Messiah, Ibracadabra and Iniesta, Barca can defeat Inter tonight. Many will call it wishful thinking… but come on! “They are two very important players, but I do not buy the idea that we will be less without Ibra and Messi,” he said. “We’ll compete to win eleven-to-eleven against Inter.”

  Come to think of it, Geri Pique will be a perfect addition to cast of Twilight (Pique as Jacob Black, is that you?). He’s got the smouldering vampire look that will put the likes of Robert-I-don’t-shampoo-my-hair-Pattyson to shame!

• Everyone from sullen-faced cab drivers to the lazy policemen in our neighbourhood can’t stop talking about Titipo Henry’s handball. And now, Lord of the Rings star, referee Pierluigi Collina has given his two cents on the issue. Sadly, he’s trying to be on the fence about this one. “Henry’s case is striking because it has contributed to the fact that one nation has gone to the World Cup. It is not difficult to understand what happened. The point of contact takes a few hundredths of a second and you may not have seen it (on the cameras).” Ei zio, cosa stai dicendo?!! Who is he trying to kid?
  

• Finally, a sighting of Arsenal’s Mr. Guapo aka Carlos Vela! He’s been out injured for a while now, so it’s nice to see him with Cescy at training again. They’ll take on R. Standard de Liège later tonight and el capitano is pretty happy with the way things are. “I have learnt a lot since I was named captain,” he said. “At the beginning it was a bit difficult, but I feel more capable than a year ago. I know my responsibility, my job and I feel everyone is helping and supporting me. I’m looking forward to a great season with Arsenal.” Way to go!
• And in case you were wondering what happened to Ronaldo Lima, here he is trying to run away from Brazilian paparazzi a few days ago after a nice lunch with local singer, Wanessa. Well, he thought he could outdo them all by running out the front door where a Jesus Luz clone was waiting…. but he was mistaken! Eles são mais espertos do que você, cara!

  

via Ego, Reuters and Gettyimages

Los Cules strolled to a comfortable 4-1 win over Racing last night thanks to a double from the Messiah and two additional goals from Pique and Ibracadabra. What else did you expect? For Puyolita to bag a hat-trick of own goals? That won’t be happening anytime soon! These folks are on a roll… and Pep Guardiola didn’t even need a mud bath.

“I am satisfied with the first and second half. We were serious throughout. We didn’t want to go crazy making unnecessary efforts, we passed the ball well and that made us stronger. We controlled the game,” Pep said after the game.

In other news, Samuel Eto’o is demanding around €3m (£2.7m) from Senor Laporta as part of the Barca to Inter deal. If he needs help, Potter Perez is just a phone call away…. or not.

These tipos are on a roll! It’s not even the start of the domestic season (ok ok, give it 12 hours chicas) and your bro, Pedro
netted in a killer goal to sink Shaktar and their Ben Affleck Brazilian twin, Ilsinho. Yes, Barca are bringing home their fifth trophy of the year… the UEFA Super Cup so you’d better APPRECIATE.

Said Pep :  It’s a great evening, this is the second time I’ve won this trophy. I’m very lucky to have been chosen to coach these great players. They’ve worked very hard and made sacrifices and it’s all worked out. We haven’t lost the essence of our side, it’s been physically tough but it all came right in the end. In April or May you’re on a roll. Right now we’re still at an early stage of the season; suddenly it’s August and you’re contesting trophies. That’s why it’s hard to win this competition. We’ve managed to bring two Super Cups home already and that’s not bad at all.”

Pep Guardiola walked into the press conference room at the Stadio Olimpico to applause and cheers from the international press last night. But his opening statements might make Barca fans a little worried…

“I’m leaving [the job] straight away tomorrow – I can’t do anything to top this … We’re very happy, delirious. We’re aware that we’ve done something magnificent. I’d like to congratulate the whole club and the fans. We’re not the best team in Barça history but we’ve had the best season.”

“I have to process my emotions now as we’ve done something wonderful. We’re not a tall side and have defended without a few regular players but we attacked and defended well against the best team in the world. Give me a few days to rest and then I’ll tell you how I’m going to tackle next year. I just want to play well and be back here again.”

“You can play badly and still win, but if you are daring and attack you have a better chance of winning – there’s nothing more dangerous than not taking a risk. You can enjoy a victory but with time you enjoy it even more. Tomorrow we will celebrate with Catalonia.“

Oh, how we love the laidback tipos in football! Pep Guardiola, who is in desperate need of a trim (but looks bien anyway) has declared that he is not losing sleep over tonight’s Copa Del Ray final against Athletic Bilbao.

“The tension will be on Wednesday at 2130, when we start to warm up. Now, we’re relaxed,” he said.

“I prefer to be calm, eat well, rest at home with my people and beloved ladies. And (on Wednesday), I will focus on this final with utmost intensity,” he added.

Of course, Pep highlighted the major differences between both teams, especially Barca’s impossibly tight schedules as opposed to Bilbao’s.

“They have lived three months for this game but we have not been able to. Yesterday, 18,000 people were at our training, today we only had one closed session, but that’s that,” he said.

Gerard Piqué is dying to meet Foreignchester United in the finals of the Champions League. And he’s so confident it will happen that he wants you to look him in the eye and tell him that you love him he’s wrong….

“The team has the capacity to win there. This team can win at any ground. I’m sure that we are going to get through,” he declared.

“If Chelsea want to get through to the final they have to score, and that suggests they will be more open. Stamford Bridge is a smaller ground and it will make it more complicated for our style of play. As well as that, the fans there are right on top of you and I’m sure there will be an intense atmosphere.”

Titipo Henry is still working on his fitness for tonight’s game (according to Pep, they’ll have to see how things are in a few hours…). If he doesn’t feature tomorrow, this might mean a start for Bobojan!

Oh come on, ya’ll saw this coming didn’t you? This man has got to be the most eloquent coach out there… lo siento José, but Pep Guardiola is officially Futbolita’s Entrenador! And if you thought it was Guus Hiddink, we order you to stand by the window immediately! Enjoy.

Lol – the word is unbelievable. We’re not fans of Guus Hiddink (blame it on the incredulous South Korea/Spain result in 2002) but he really did his homework before fielding his side at the Nou Camp last night. Or rather, he must’ve watched their tapes while Michael Ballack went to Ikea. The 0-0 draw is not good for Barca, but there’s still the second leg amigos….

Anyway, Jose Bosingwa took good care of Leo Messi last night, but Titipo Henry proved to be the biggest threat as his deathly shots on target forced PetaCheck into action. Xavi’s long-range attempt in the 28th minute also flew past the goalkeeper’s right hand. Unfortunately, Barca’s biggest blow was losing defender Rafael Marquez - who will be out for the rest of the season.

Senor Pep was visibly annoyed by the result, but you can be assured that Barca will fight to the end!

“We’ll go to London with the same spirit, nothing will change that. There’s nothing to be ashamed of after a performance like that; there’s no one to blame for not winning. I can only be proud of my players,” he said. “It’s never easy to play well when the opponent isn’t trying to push forward and play football. European ties can be settled by small details and these didn’t go our way tonight,” he said.

Futbolita interviewed señor Dani Alves recently and he’s clearly excited about the away-leg of the Barca-Munich fixture, despite his recent hectic schedule involving the World Cup qualifiers.

“There was time for me to rest after the games with the seleção and our league match at Valladolid. But I have already prepared and packed for (Wednesday’s) match!” Alves told us. Ok, we get it mano. More on that next week!

Pep Guardiola is also looking forward to tonight’s game and we’re expecting a nice show in midfield tonight.

“We will attack from the first minute and attempt to move the ball with speed and purpose for the entire match,” he said. “Bayern are physically strong but our intention is to play the same way as we’ve done all season and won’t betray our principles. We have to fight on all levels; even the ball boys are important – they have to do their job quickly.”

It appears that some of Barca’s top players rely on Chris Martin and amigos as a source of inspiration in the Champions League.

At least that’s what Xavi told the Spanish press last Wednesday after their 5-2 rout at Lyon’s expense.

“Coldplay’s music motivates us and gives us luck. Pep (Guardiola) loves (them) and there are other players who only listen to them such as Martin Caceres and Daniel Alves. They listen to it to motivate themselves. I always listen to Viva La Vida in my car but this time we heard the song at the Camp Nou and it was brutal,” he said.

Altogether now…”I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing, Roman Cavalry choirs are singing…“