Fútbolita

Look at that wide smile on Ibracadabra! It speaks volumes of what he thinks about his new Milanese life. As many suspected, Senor Pep and him weren’t on the same page towards the end of his career. He told the Swedish media this yesterday in Stockholm, where he and his fellow KEX BALLERINA from Ikea lovers are preparing for a friendly against Hungary tomorrow.

“There was only one person (on the Barcelona team) who wanted to get rid of me. I have never had problems with any coach before during my career. But suddenly I had a thousand problems and I had no communication with ‘the Philosopher’. No communication whatsoever. I don’t know what his problem was,” said Ibra.

Ibra, you must first show that you want to play before you start putting the blame on the coach. What’s going to happen at Milan? Who’s going to play the role of “Let’s Support The Strikers”? There’s Pato and Robinho now!

Meet Dani Alves, your new Barcelona tour guide. Do not be alarmed by all that bling he’s wearing on his ears, even though it puts the whole Samba parade to shame. Anyway, it’s been two years since he last arrived from Sevilla, but cara is still in love with the Catalan city and wants YOU and your wallet to know that it’s possible to eat out everyday of the year.

“When I moved here, people told me it was possible to eat in different restaurants 365 times per year. I did not believe it. But after you get used to it, you realize it’s true. Today I (searched) for a restaurant in my GPS and you could see that symbol with a fork and knife,” he said in an interview, laughing. Oh Dani, were we supposed to look for a symbol indicating the zoo instead?

“When I got here, I did a “city tour” to know the main points. I really enjoyed it. For example, I visited Holy Family Church, Parque Guell, which has several works by Gaudi (architect). It’s also nice to go to Montjuic, where is the Olympic Village in 1992. My grade for the city is 9.5 because 10 is always perfect, and people always have some complaints. But Barcelona, to live and go for holidays, is the best place in the world,” added Alves.

Oh dear, it seems that MouMou the Mastermind, has been reading too much of his son, Jose Jr’s, Harry Potter books and getting discount coupons from the movie’s themepark. How did he manage to conjure up this statement? It’s pretty ridiculous and brilliant in itself.

“I am a coach, not Harry Potter. He is a magician. Magic is fiction and I live for football, which is real. I’ve only been in Madrid for two months. Do you know how many training sessions I have had with everyone together, including the new signings? Not even 10. My profile as a coach is different to what it has been in recent years. If things go badly I have to leave. I would have one of the best clubs in the world waiting for me.”

via Reuters, Globoesporte

Welcome to Futbolita’s “La Liga Lunes!” (say it with a merry little voice). It’s one of our fresh new features for the new season, which means ya’ll better stop the hair waxing or whateverchu been doin’ and get back to the Spanish futbol business. So let’s ring the bell and dance to the new season!

DE TODOS MODOS, Matchday 1 consisted of a lot of mid-air fistpumps (David Maravilla style), Greaseano whining and sheer disappointment on MouMou’s face. Obviously, Barca weren’t feeling the pain of losing Ibracadabra to their friends in Italy and handed Racing a nice 3-0 gift courtesy of Maravilla, Iniesta and the Messiah. Sergio Canales cried all the way from his Madrid apartment, but after leaving Racing for better shores, that was inevitable!

As for Mourinho…. acorda, tio! You can do better than that goaless draw against Mallorca! Where was the mascot (Juande Ramos) when you needed him?

Said MouMou : “I’m disappointed that with the number of chances we created we didn’t score. When you aren’t at your best you have to do two things, defend so your opponents don’t score, and take your chances. We deserved to win.”

All photos via AP & Reuters

It was a maravilloso night for the Inter boys as they made a clean sweep of all the UEFA Gala Awards, two of which naturally went to Brasileiros! Parabens to Sneijder, Julio Cesar, Maaaaaicon and Milito! Of course, Platini and friends opted to save on air tickets by making the already present winners draw the lots themselves. They obviously couldn’t afford Cruyff, who was busy tanning at a golf course somewhere in the world.

And as for the draw, many questions have risen over the authenticity of the process. Milan and Madrid in the same group AGAIN (with the added threat of Ajax!) is broma completa while Chelski and Barca will obviously sail through to the second round. Theose GORDO men in grey suits sitting at the front must stop all their dirty tricks before the Champs’ League turns into a joke!

Anyway, it’s the SuperCup Finale tonight! Kun Aguero Papa thinks Atletico will win it, but with Inter high on form (and confidence), they’ll probably prevent that from happening. Buennna suerteeee!

via UEFA, AFP, AP Photos

Hermanos and chicos, if your sole purpose in life is to be a member of the Jersey Shore and DouchaWalla Walla clan (ok, that was completely made up in five seconds), your duty now is to learn from Greaseano! That look he was giving his namorada – the gawwwjus Russian model Irina Shayk – is hilarious.  Ya’ll know that you can’t just go for a Real Madrid basketball date with Greaseano and talk about the weather. Come on now, Irina… be charmed by the power of the oil-slicked hair!

Anyway, Real defeated Hercules in a preseason friendly last night and the 3-1 win was courtesy of goals from Benzema Bon Bon and Di Maria. The Argentinean also decided that it was best to channel both Pato and Neymar in his goal celebrations. Awww.

via Reuters, AFP

Our good friend from Buenos Aires once dated the man they call Gago Gaga, but don’t worry, she’s not about to write a book about it cos’ she is a Classy Chica Caliente!

Anyway, amiga’s at no loss now because the player in question has been quite the sad flop at Madrid. Even though Flo’Prez and friends have brought over half of Die Mannschaft (that was a joke) to Spain this season, Gago still believes he’ll have a good season at the club. Yeah, if the lawnmowers decide to have a friendly game at the Bernabeu, perhaps…

“I will stay at Real Madrid this year. I’ve already talked about it with Jorge Valdano (club sports director) and Mourinho, and at no time did they say (that) they wanted me to leave. I am very comfortable and quiet. Some will have to leave but I will stay. What was published out there surprised me. I had already spoken to the coach and Valdano.”

Photos via Gettyimages, OLE

Bienvenido, tipoooo! We’re so thrilled to finally see Özilita in the La Liga. The choice of club may not be everybody’s favourite, but at least MouMou has some solid goals for Real in mind and you know he doesn’t care about the politics in the backroom. As far as Senhor Treinador is concerned, Flo Perez is just a fruit seller in all of this.

Said Ozil : “I spoke to my advisers and looked at the options but I always wanted to join the best team in the world, and to play under the best coach in the world, Jose Mourinho,” I spoke to him and he convinced me. What we spoke about will remain between him and me but that’s why I am here.”

Here he is, doing the Obligatory Madrid-Medical Pose! You can’t join the club officially until you agree to a photo with wires all over you! Also, you gotta Ozil’s ghetto get up with the white shoe, ya’ll.

Meanwhile, here is Internacional’s Rafael Sobis with the club flag… as he celebrated their Copa Libertadores win last night! Yes, Nilmar and Pato’s former club defeated Mexico’s Chivas 3-2, and they promptly walked away with the title of Libertadores champions. Parabennns, Internacional fans!

All the Cescy lovers (ooh, snappy!) at Barca must be feeling a little disappointed at the fact that a move back to Catalonia did not materialise. But that’s fine, because Chamakh and him are getting along just fine at Arsenal. Let him spend a few more seasons with the gunners then maybe Pique can do something to convince him of a return!

“I’m sure that someday he will join the club again. Although he is now working in London, he will always remain a culé,” said Pique to El Mundo Deportivo. Yes indeed, who knows?

via Elisa Estrada, Reuters, Gettyimages,

The only thing we can muster from all Oezil’s bling earring is “Oh Jeah?”. Now, you would think that Perez & Amigos would back off after the humiliation of being turned down by one of the most talented players at the World Cup. But hold your OktoberFest Dirndl gowns because now Marca are claiming that Real have increased their bid for Magical Mesut (kkk, we will come up with a better nick soon) by five million euros!

They just won’t let go, will they? And best of all, wasn’t Barca on the brink of signing Oezilita (yes, sounds better doesn’t it) just a week ago?

“Madrid expects to make the deal official with the player on either Monday or Tuesday,” said the source. “Werder Bremen insists that they will only look at the deal if it is more than 20 million.”

If he goes to  Spain, we can all head out for some Kebabs and Shawarma!

via Marca, Gettyimages

It’s time to take a break from the international friendlies and focus on the ferociousness that is Real Madrid’s new signing, Sergio Canales! He finally hit the streets of Madrid with his novia, Cristina and my oh my, they look tres bien together. You know what they say… Real men wear pink. And in this case, tipo successfully evaded the clashing colour curse of Bershka while channeling a little bit of Nando Torres.

According to Hola!, the player’s parents Miguel and Clara accompanied him this week to ‘look for apartments’ in Madrid that are located near to the Sports City and training ground. He was supposed to stay at Ramos the Raver’s apartment, but decided to get his own new place instead. The gawwjuz Cristina, who has been with him for the last two years (qué dulce!) was also pretty supportive of the whole move, and according to reports, Canales wants his nina to come and live with him. Awww!

Fotos de Hola (Famosos)

Robinho may have been on holiday in South Africa, but he’d better be worried because Neymar is ready to rock the house! Santos emerged winners of the Copa do Brasil last night, despite losing 2-1 to Victoria, simply because they already won the first leg of the match. Muito legal, indeed and Neymar decided to celebrate by wearing a shirt with a message dedicated to his family (“pai, mãe, irmã e amigos após a partida”) and climbed over barricades to celebrate with the fans which was splendid.

Edu Dracena opening the scoring for Santos, but even though Vitoria turned the heat up with goals from Wallace and Júnior, they managed to contain their opponents and duly celebrated in estilo Brasileiro.

Oh, look what we have here! It’s IkerBonero getting it on again in Los Angeles. Wait, isn’t he supposed to be IN preseason training doing drills or something, with the goalkeeping coach?!! That’s right, this is a pretty “old” photo, but it was still worth posting anyway. All you lucky folks from LA probably already witnessed the Pied Piper of Higuain’s double against Club America last night.

Oh dude, es temprano, pero que está listo! (it’s early, but you’re ready). Keep it coming, yeah?

Last season, all eyes were on Antonio Valencia (who quite frankly, hasn’t lived up to his billing). This season, the United aficionados will be screaming Chicharito’s name like he’s the new Jalapeño mixed drink! So of course, tipo will be feeling a tad bit of pressure when the BPL kicks off and your nine million neighbours start unveiling their AON plastered jerseys with their names personalised.

Whatever the case, Chicharito will not tolerate any hatin’ this season because he’s in the fetus clique with the likes of the Da Silva brothers and they all can throw a mean punch when Berbatov walks past. DO NOT MESS!

And as for his teammate, Anderson, we feel truly sorry for him after learning about the car crash, but this is certainly not going to help his career.

via Reuters, AFP, Terra, Hola

“Ei Kaka, o que você está fazendo?!!” must be the only thing to come out of Senhor MouMou’s mouth in that picture. After all, Kaka hasn’t been training with the Merry Madrid Men and spent the most of yesterday suntanning and on the chairs next to Wedgeillas. There was certainly a little bit of “Mano a Mano” going on there between the Spaniard and the Brazilian. Even Kaka wanted to find out with Eva Langoria made them all eat for dinner in LA last week!

On the subject of MouMou, his favourite protégé, Zlatan Ibracadabra has declared that he is ready to face his old boss in the upcoming La Liga season. Ya’ll know what will happen if he moves from Barca! There’s simply no way that will happen without some sort of backlash.

“He is the best or one of the best coaches in the world. I don’t believe in Madrid, but I believe in Mourinho,” said Zlatan. Aawww.

via Sky Sports, Gettyimages

Oh dear, it looks like The Dona’s soap opera has resumed for your viewing pleasure! Take out the popcorn from the micro’ cos it now seems that team director Carlos Bilardo, has refused to rule out a ‘strong possibility’ he might return as coach. What was the whole point of making that speech last week then? His daughters Gianinna and Dalma (above) don’t think it’s very funny!

“If Diego comes and talks, I don’t know what can happen. It’s all a question of talking,” Bilardo declared to Todo Noticias. “The possibility of another meeting (between Maradona and the AFA) exists.” Hold on to your seats!

The next Nando Torres of Madrid aka Sergio Canales has arrived for pre-season in Los Angeles! Bershka just called, and incidentally they are looking for a new spokesmodel. Canales’ electric blue shoes are so ferosha and with Potter Perez signing the boy’s cheques now, he’d be able to get them in five different colours. Que suerte!

Speaking of which, we’re always in Bershka (it’s a fashion store from Spain) pretending to fist pump and picking out clothes for the other Sergio… Ramos. It’s a lot of fun!

The complexity of Kun Aguero Papa’s hair, matching shirts and Cesc Bomb’s half-smile will open up a new investigation among all of you, we’re sure. But what’s equally perplexing is the fact that these tipos will make their own cameos in the fourth installment of the film ‘Torrrente‘. The movie is a Spanish comedy which often involves issues like the police, crime and the mafia.

Obviously, director Seguro knew that that they’d both done some singing and acting (not Broadway, but it’s still something). Sure, Kun’s singing suits the Tone Deaf crowd, but Cesc Bomb’s charm will be selling the tickets in no time!

via Marca, SkySports, David Anchuelo

All you American futbolitas and chicos better APPRECIATE because so many interesting teams are spending preseason in your region… what more could you ask for?! Milan, Madrid, Inter and United all made it there this year, much to Barack’s excitement! Barca, on the other hand, chose to go ahead with their Asian tour. So if you’re heading for any of the games in either continents, don’t forget to let us know all about it!

Anyway, Kaka has finally joined the group in the USA and has obviously started drinking orange juice with an amigo mayor, Jose MouMou. There’s a lot of speculation around the fact that he will be sold to Chelski, City or even back to his old employers, Milan, following a dismal season. Quit the bitchin’! Ya’ll know how The Special One brings out the best in a player (cough, Ibracadabra anyone?) Let’s see how the first three months go and then Potter Perez can start waving his wand again.

via AS/David R. Anchuelo

“Now everybody step aside, Guti is coming through!” were the instructions at the Ataturk Airport in Istanbul last night. Everybody at Besiktas had been waiting nearly a year to welcome him and his tattoos, so can you really blame the human scrum? It was a mini-show of its own! Guti knew he had to wear the shirt moments after clearing immigration. With the “finally, I’m outta Spain… look what I’ve gained!” look.

Of course, news that he had chosen to leave the Madridistas hardly came as a surprise. He has been pushing to leave the club for a while now and stated that he did not want to play in Spain any longer. Now the Gutes can have the finest kebabs in the world and visit all these exotic sites... Life is so unfair!

Madridistas all over the world are devastated that Raul The Great One announced his decision to leave the club yesterday. Yes, it’s the end of an era…! you cry. But don’t forget that also takes great bravery to step aside when you know your time is up, and for that, Raul certainly needs to be applauded! There are many critics who often accuse Real Madrid fans of being “plastic, commercialized and/or mostly glory hunters,” but for a moment, let’s forget about the post-Beckhamadrid fans. The ones who’re certain to feel the pinch are the ones who’ve been following Raul’s career ever since he stepped foot against Atletico in 1994.

Perez loved him, so did King Juan Carlos, his wife, associates and the waitresses of Madrid. And looking back, Raul was also the first European player we personally met five years ago. A lot has changed since then… but we will always remember The Nose and his affectionate friendship with Morientes.

Speaking of which… look! We found the ancient photo from that July afternoon of 2005.

Don’t worry, we haven’t transformed into a Wedding Agency yet. It’s just the season for Baller’ Banquets. All you need to do is to scroll down and you’ll be ready to chuck that useless copy of InStyle Weddings! Last year (during this time), Nilmar, Pato, Lucas and Roberto Carlos all married their partners days apart from one another. One year on, three out of four ain’t so bad.

Baptista’s linda wife is a 2003′s Miss León Silvia Nistal, and although they’re both based in Italy now, the couple originally met in Spain (presumably when he was a Madridista). So of course, they decided to ‘formalize’ things in Madrid. How sweet! Former Arsenal teammate, Cescy and his novia, Carla, were thrilled to attend the ceremony as well.

Of course, it would’ve been sweeter if Baptista had gotten married after winning the World Cup with Brasil. Well, too bad. Manooooo, are you listening?

Fotos via EFE/ HOLA