Fútbolita

So obviously, Uncle Fester Galliani masterminded the whole Ibra to Milan transfer, and the man himself arrived last night at the Milan-Lecce game. Basically, the oldies in the team like SuperPippo said “NO, GRAZIE!” to their new teammate by doing well in that 4-0 victory. The other three goals came from the Brasileiros, e claro! Two from Pato and his Badass face, and one from Thiago Silva (or as our amiga says, “T.I. Silva”). So why do they need Ibra, again?!

And apparently, the Interistis don’t really care about Ibra going back to the ‘other team’. But you’ll only know the truth when the Milan derby takes place and everybody starts burning the stadium seats again and/or sending empty pasta packets to Moratti’s office, which will make him really pissed.

via Reuters/AFP

Look, it’s the two forgotten Brazilian manos from Milan! The question is… who will be called up this week?

Anyway, the Rossoneri succumbed to another loss in the league yesterday afternoon, and Genoa was the villain in this sad, sad Serie A campaign. It’s really tragic to see Milan’s performance this season… they need to recuperate themselves over the season break, buy new players, change the system, risolvere il problema! Well, at least they’ll be in the Champions League next season but whether or not Leonardo remains coach is a mystery.

Well, about that, he said : “I’m very attached to Italian football, I’ve been here for thirteen years and I am sorry to see that every game has become like ancient Rome with gladiators in the Coliseum,” said Leonardo. “We should avoid certain issues which do not contribute to the quality of the show, there is a limit, we need to change the environment.”

We don’t know Balotelli is doing in that photo, but Inter certainly broke a lot of Roman hearts last night when they defeated Roma at their own Stadio Olimpico. Seriously, they should have just given Grandpa Ranieri a chance and concentrated on the Champions League final instead! Alas, no one does that these days, especially in Italy where the match-fixing mierda ruined everything.

“We’ve won the first of three trophies, now we expect to win the other two,” enthused Milito. “This victory will give us even more spirit for our next league game against Chievo.”

Seems like it’s all about Inter these days, but what’s there left to talk about right, Zorro Zanetti? They defeated Barca last week and yesterday, they went on to humiliate Lazio 2-0 in their own home ground. So yes, they’re now on their way to winning their fifth Serie A title. Seriously, this has got to stop! What’s happening to Italian football? Apart from Roma who’re picking up pace, the other teams’ performance is enough to make you yell... “quanto tragica!“

Anyway, if Inter are level on points with Roma at the end of the season, Luca Toni & amicis will be champions instead because they have a better head-to-head record against Inter. Per favore... we think that in order to rescue Serie A, somebody else is going to have to win it!

No, you’re not looking at Clash of the Interistis .. but for the love of Materazzi, welcoming Inter from Barcelona was such a grand affair! Today, I consoled a Barca chica who declared :”We fought to the end” and then you could see the anger creeping up in her and quickly decided it was best to consult the dandelions instead.

Also, Barca can’t be winning all the time (they achieved all they needed to) so Senor Pep should chill and focus on the La Liga now. As for Joan Laporta, he wants a response AHORA! “Today we have experienced the cruel face of football but now we have need to lift ourselves and think about the league,” he said.

Anyway, Pique sends his condolences to all our fans. ”It was all I could do, turn and shoot, but sadly it was not enough. We are disappointed. This elimination leaves us dissatisfied, disappointed. But football continues, we have another final on Saturday [against Villarreal] and we hope to win. Let’s give it our best and go for that game.”

Del Piero went on the much-loved Chiambretti nights to talk about Juventus.

“I think Inter will win the Scudetto. Roma was unlucky, the last game he deserved to win. It was a misstep that can be costly,” said Prince of Piero.

via Reuters, Correire dello Sport

There’s something about Iaquinta that kinda reminds you of the Pippo Inzaghi “cool uncle” type. Yes, the sort who listens to Tokio Hotel in order to better fit in with his nieces! Nevertheless, if he had some, they’d be proud of his performance against Bari yesterday where he scored a double. Lippi would’ve taken notes… except Iaquinta has already won the World Cup, va bene!

Anyway, the Italian pressies are getting overexcited again because apparently Zaccheroni and Prince Piero had a heated “clash” during the game. “There is nothing to clarify,” insisted Zac. “We are two civil people. There was a bit of distance between us, so we had to raise our voices to make sure we were heard.”

Did you HEAR that?! They had to raise their voices!

via Gettyimages

THIS is what we call Italian football passione! Of course, following Roma’s 2-1 victory over Lazio, Ranieri Doubtfire isn’t the only one they’re going to be smothering now. Mirko Vucinic, who scored two goals, is the Uomo del momento (and probably the more deserving Sunday Senor… desculpe, Cacau!) and you’d better believe it because Luca Toni does! Yes amigas, after all that merciless teasing on our part, we are now prepared to say that Awkward Luca does, in fact, deserve to be happy. There’s only so much an Italiano can take before his pride gets punctured to the ground.

Roma are now at the top of the Serie A table! So if you’re a fan… festeggiare!

via AP, Reuters

Inter and Milan are all in hot water now and it’s all Luciano Moggi’s fault! The former Juventus executive has summoned new ghosts from the grave by demanding that 75 phone-tap conversations be admitted for evidence. And they apparently involved Interrrr, whom the Juve fans hate. Well, the sign above reads : “Respect, Justice, Honesty, that’s why we are here.” Sono grave?!

“And it’s not over now. In the next hearings we will bring out other new conversations that involve Inter and AC Milan,” Moggi said, taking out phone-tap transcripts from a folder after the court session.

Uncle Ancelotti will also take the stands next week when Chelski let him go on a holiday…

via Gettyimages

So Boriello decided that he’s had absolutely ENOUGH of the name calling and hair comparisons to Pauly D from Jersey Shore. After a while, you too would like to be taken seriously… especially if your job is to score goals for AC Milan. As Anna Wintour once said…“Where’s the glamour? Let’s lift it!”

Anyway, the Italian Stallion scored a brace against Catania yesterday (in a game which Milan didn’t win, unfortunately) and celebrated by fist pumping like a true guido from the sidelines. Dispiace, amici!! Io non lo dire… and Uncle Fester Galliani, 2-2 is unacceptable!

But of course, the REAL party yesterday happened in Rome where Roma’s 2-1 win over Atlanta means that they are now top of the Serie A table. For the love of Luca Toni… this is a complete turnaround! Mrs. Doubtfire, Claudio Ranier himself, believes that his team is on the way to the Scudetto title. So do not try to mess!

“It’s all to fight for, game after game. There are five left and we have got to play with a great deal of humility,” he declared. “They are all going to be incredibly difficult, but we know the Scudetto is in our hands now. Before we had to depend on the results of others too.”

via Reuters

Oooh, looks like we have a case of the Forgotten Homems here at the Milan-Lazio game last night! The Dinho’s son is chomping on a hot cross bun given to him by Uncle Galliani.…  Nãooooo, ficar longe!

And yes, the Italian Stallion, Marco Boriello also scored for Milan in this 1-1 draw. Stai arrossendo? abbastanza! (You’re blushing? stop it!)

via AFP

We’ve been calling him Mickey Mouse Becks for a long time, but the poor mano tore his Achilles tendon last night and has been ruled of the World Cup. For that, we are lighting candles today and sending Oreos with hugs. Oh dios, Becks really wanted to go South Africa. Qué día tan triste!

“In cases (of the) rupture of the Achilles tendon, players go at least five or six months without playing. He is out of the tournament. Tomorrow Beckham will travel to Finland, where he will be operated on,” declared Uncle Fester Galliani.

On a slightly more positive note, Milan won the game 1-0, although they clearly should have done better.

For a moment, we thought that the Senora on the extreme right was The Nereida of your dreams – but of course, Palermo are not that desperate of a club to cast her, are they? No matter, she’s too busy making heads roll at Paris Fashion Week… near the buffet table, of course!

Anyway, instead of forcing the likes of Fabrizio Miccoli to parade down the flanks wearing their new kits, the Italian side left it to our fellow futbolitas to do the job instead. Ben fatto! It looks like what my friend’s nonna would wear to sleep, but whatever… you cheeky tipos are already ordering it off the Palermo website!

Don’t you think that Signore Borriello is a carbon copy of Roberto Baggio from that angle? Naturally, all he needs to do is to grow out that hair and he can start to make special appearances at the flower festival with it! Mamma mia, could these two be long lost gemelli (twins)?

Anyway, everyone’s excited and preparing their sandwiches with more gusto now because once again, The Dinho put in an excellent performance against Bari last night! Besides Baggio’s Twin, El Pato also netted in the other penalty and also remembered to shave his Wolverine beard off. Desculpe, mas você ainda não estão na seleção…. (sorry but you are still not going to the selecao)

Speaking of the seleção, please don’t interrupt Diego and Amauri as they perform the Dança Bandeira (flag dance). Tipos were working their HIPS off as they celebrate Juve’s neat 2-1 win over Bologna last night! Who cares if they were ignored by Dopey or Lippy in their respective national teams? It was time to celebrate!

The Dame of Turin himself, Del Piero played his 445th game for Juventus yesterday but all he got was a lousy shirt. Even Roberto Bettega knew that they printed that out at Uncle Corioni’s shop in exchange for Panini stickers! For 445 games, they should have held a massive concert and thrown gold confetti with his name on it. Everyone from Tiziano Ferro to Al Pacino would’ve paid their tributes to him because Del Piero is L’UOMO! But it seemed that the captain himself took matters into his own hands and scored TWICE. Sorprendente – this is how you do it, Ashley Cole!

Well, at least Amauri’s hair didn’t ruin the party and he too got his name into the score sheet. You know he quickly went home to check if Dunga sent him a Hallmark card with the words “You’re Invited…” at the front. Aah, que pena…

via Reuters, AFP

Keirrison is swapping teams like he’s Beyoncé at the Grammys! From Barcelona to Benfica… and now, taking advantage of the Mutu kerfuffle, he’s PUTTING A RING ON IT with Fiorentina. We suspect his agent once auditioned to be on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” but Regis Philbin aptly said “No” in a deep voice.

Anyway, they asked K9 – or K39 in this case – whether he wanted to emulate Fiorentina’s Edmundo who went home to Brazil for Carnaval in 1999. It also cost him his job as he was asked to leave the club for failing to seek consent. “To me, Carnaval is only on television,” joked Keirrison. Kekekeke, que é uma piada de mau gosto!

Querido Dios… Fernando Gago is simply GAWJUS but too bad he plays like merda! And now even Man City have failed to sign him. The deal only fell through because of the ‘lack of time’ during the transfer window. Shit, Gago can sign for our team anytime he fancies but we can’t afford to pay him 18 million. All he has to do is to sit there, comb his hair and the gate receipts alone will take care of ITSELF!

In general, listening to ArrrrghKon can be quite an experience. Many generally compare the experience to Microwave Throwing (trust us, he once performed right opposite our balcony. To put it kindly, it was hell on Earth) but he’s singing the World Cup theme so you know that at some point, you’re going to be downloading this into your pods and nods! The song is mediocre but the face paint is amazing – so enjoy that instead.

via VEVO, Fiorentina

Despite Wolverine Piero’s efforts at goal and Uncle Ciro’s new replacement, Juveeee could only manage a draw against Lazio last night. But ascoltare, they’re getting somewhere. The man in the hot seat, Alberto Zaccheroni, is now tasked to pick up Juve from the garage like a battered up Maserati after a 92-hour jungle trek. He’s yet to find the ignition because it’s being blocked by Camoranesi’s hair but you’d better hope he will soon or Diegoooo may never get to see the South African morning sky.

via AP, Gettyimages

Ah, cheeky Materazzi. Always out to create trouble and grab attention. He did it right this time with the caricature mask of Botox Berlusconi. Come on now, Milanistas... even you have to admit it was a pretty good effort on his part. “It was a college prank for the Derby, nothing more. No desire to be controversial, no desire to offend, no political implications,” he said after the game. Hmmm.

Anyway, instead of boring you futbolitas with post-match commentary (you’ve probably already picked up the headlines – and gone through the 2-0 scoreline in Inter’s favour), there are two conclusions that we’ve drawn – Milan are a much better squad than last year but Inter are more complete as a unit. Here are some of the best photos featuring Donatella Versace’s 1045th nose job, Sneijder’s wife and a really awesome video featuring two journalists (one supports Inter, the other Milan) and their reactions during the game. We’d love to be sitting… somewhere in the middle!

Ok, Albelda looks like he’s enjoying a rave right in that photo – so be quiet until the moment passes! Tres, dos, uno… ok, here we go. Los Che pulled off a nice 4-1 victory over Villarreal last night (poor, poor Nilmar) and damn, the goals were coming at you like there was no tomorrow! From the two Davids to former Boca kid, Éver Banega, everyone wanted the win desperately. Sure, their young defender Kiko (it isn’t just Macheda’s nickname, you know) was slapped with a red card but the boys sailed on con orgullo!

“I think against an opponent who have played some good matches so far, we’ve been very focused and very compact in defence and attack. Furthermore, after the sending off and 2-0 in our favour, we were able to stay on top,” declared Senor Unai Emery.

As a bonus, here’s Albelda with his mujer, Vicen!

via Reuters, AP

The Dinho is back! Well, that was what many futbolitas told us excitedly on Twitter and you could be right! A few days ago, we questioned this cara’s ability to make Dopey’s starting XI, which remains an open call, unless you are Uncle Pele – and even he can’t waltz into the training ground of Granja Comary whenever he pleases. TODAVIA, after his Milan hat-trick yesterday, we can officially establish that The Dinho is now working his beachy butt off to make it to South Africa.

Check this out : in their last three games, Milan have scored a staggering 12 goals – 5 of which were scored by the Brazilian. Oooooh, acredito que você pode fazer a seleção? - do you believe you can make the squad? He hasn’t played a part in any of their qualifiers and has been snubbed in recent friendlies. And yes, Dinho’s discipline simply wanes when he’s with the national team. So what’s it gonna be, Bebê?

Also, your favourite Italian Stallion, Sig. Marco Borriello also got his name on the score sheet yesterday. Lovely, we know how this one will be celebrating….

For a moment, Diego forgot about the team he was playing for (“Boa gol, Dinho! grande abraço!”) Then, he caught Felipe Melo giving him the evil eye on the pitch – and that was it! 3-0 to Milan, and you don’t even know if Juve bothered to turn up at their own stadium at all.

To be fair, neither side was doing much in the first ten minutes, but despite the Rossoneri’s inadequacy - including Ambrosini’s “speed”, Beckham’s disappearance and Pirlo’s bad corners – UncleDude Nesta pulled one for his side while The Dinho (yes, we told you everyone will be scrambling to show off this year) netted in a double!! El Pato was out fretting over his injury on the roller coaster ride, so perhaps their attacking prowess was a little tamed. But in the second half, Milan actually improved and controlled the game – and although they weren’t at their best, Juventus and Amauri proved that they were indeed, better off prawn fishing

Poor Ciro. Now the Italian press are sharpening their pencils and ready to attack! “I don’t feel in danger of losing my job, I am very concentrated. I am trying to put my energy into the team. It is not my decision to make if they sack me or not, and if I am sacked I will accept it,” said tio Ferrara after the game.

via Reuters